i am falling apart.
Category Archives: Journal
Collide
I have been wanting to update for a while. When too many events collide, your mind keeps shuffling them and it just gets too quick to even type everything out in limited time.
I have been following a few hijabistas for awhile. Masya’Allah they are all so pretty in their own unique way. A few beautiful instagrammers that i adore includes @shearasol @mdmluvhearts @lilmrspolkadots @ananasser @ilyana. Loved their outfits and styles. Too adorable. I’ve already had too much stuff in my shopping cart with Sufyaa, The Pop Look and Zawara. Ohhh and the shawls from Sugar Scarf, Adlina Anis and Sahara Shawls are too awesome too!
Insya Allah one day, I’ll don the hijab. I know! Excuses after excuses indeed but Truthfully, i don’t have any. I don’t even know what’s stopping me. I am still searching for answers from him. I don’t even know anymore what’s holding me back.
Such awesomness to start the entry on a lighter note.
And thereafter… an unfortunate event happened at work. It comes to a point that going to work has been a dreadly chore and a safety issue on my part. As much as i want to work late to earn extra allowances, it became a nightmare and heading home was the only option. I promised myself that this year, I would have a career change for a better future and upgraded self development capabilities. However, the job market doesn’t even look that promising either but i am going to give my all and try my best to get out there before i go on my vacation.
Marriage Life ^5
Have been officially married for 5 months. There’s so much you learnt as a wife, even 5 years in a Relationship with the same man won’t prepare you for marriage life. It is all a bitter sweet learning curve isn’t it? I have to shake perceptions off people’s mind that just because we have been in a long term relationship and eventually married, doesn’t mean that we had it good the whole time. There’s been several peaks and abundance of lows to get to where we are today.
I don’t consider our relationship as lucky but more like it has been written in our paths.
And even till now, nothing has changed.. it’s still all the same. You’ll get the highest peaks and struck with the deepest lows. Relationships can never be perfect. Ever. If it is, wouldn’t the world be a better place? There’s no broken homes, broken friendships and severe family ties. So quit thinking we had it good, because we definitely don’t. Each day i pray to be a better wife, to have the patience and strength to get through the tests he has challenged us with. Each day, i prayed he gave us the light in this dark road that we’re taking.
I wouldn’t doubt it, i still have butterflies in my stomach whenever i see him. If i could race it back home (instead of taking the bus!) i would have, every single day just to see his smile. Despite us both annoying each other to the fullest everyday. Despite us arguing about petty stuff. At times how much we hate each other and wish we have spells to make each other *poof*! God chose us to be with each other for a reason, we both might not figured it out yet. But insya Allah one day we will.
Changes.
At one point or another in this life, you’ll realised that Change is desirable and needed. Not wanted.
Change is not just or limited to trying to be pious or be an “Ustazah or Ustaz” to anyone. Change to become a better person. Change is solely upon yourself, not for your family, friends, lovers, husbands or strangers. Change is for NOONE but YOURSELF.
Forget about the judgement of others, girlfriends, friends or even family. So let them criticise. The only Judgement that matters are His, and with His all Almighty and great Mercies to grant us forgiveness. Do everything with good intentions.
I must say that attending the Women’s Conference organised by the HIYC Sisters organisation has been so beneficial. It shed some light and feeds the soul with the positivity, the strength and made us remember the gift that Allah created for us Women. Change can be a big tasks but all you need is that one step, even if it’s as tiny as baby steps. A step to explore a whole new world that has been carved for you.
“In other words, you will realise that the person who injured you only did so based on Allah’s preordainment and decree. People are only means, but the One Who decrees and decides is Allah, so surrender your will to Him.”
fats. fats. fats.
I’ve never had people calling me ‘FAT’ as many times before, only in 2012 and 2013!
Even through frequent Gym Sessions creeping up to the wedding, i was a couple kg off my ideal weight of 48Kg (There I Said it! So you can work out the sums!)In 2012 especially, I gained about 3-4 Kg. Mostly after my wedding though. Gosh!
A couple of weeks ago, we were heading out to Cirque du Soleil with the family. I must admit i hadn’t worn my VS Siren Skinny Jeggings since i got married! Atrocious! So i decided to wear them, i could fit them but damn they are tight and my thighs were like Sausages! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Story of my life!
It didn’t help to have the boys around me to keep commenting how fat i am!
Anyways, as much as i could care less. Maybe i need to start exercising again. Been getting Kimchi overload these days!
anathyst 