Driving… Finally!

Yay! So finally got the courage to contact the local driving school and bought a package for myself! Hoping that I could score my license before end of the year!

My true blue Aussie driving instructor took me by surprise with words like a**h*** and d***h*** every now then. But now I’m used to it.

This is definitely a big thing for me! Hoping I could ace them quickly but reality is I’m scared shitless in the driver’s seat!

Wish me luck!

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And Allah is the best of planners

Her Facebook post got me to tears, I’ve never been in her shoes but I am sure I will be a wreckage. I was literally sobbing hard while trying to put Ayden to sleep. Yet another night of meltdown, another round of fight. The battles we are facing with this lil one. His bedtime, that I will leave it to another story another day. But her post made me realise…

Every phase of our lives has been planned out, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful events were laid right in front of our eyes. Despite the challenges, we will always hold on to a thread called Hope. Hope that things will get better, Hope that our lives will improve, Hope that we will receive what we have been praying for, Hope that we will be protected from tragedies. But sometimes that thread of Hope is there to make or break you.

Make you to give you the strength to overcome the barriers, the ability to trust him that his plans are better than your dreams and the capacity to see the positive outcome of the situation. On the other hand, Hopes can break you into blinding your mind that you are in a much worst situation than what you are in, weakens your soul and crumble your faith. That part is the worst crater to fall into. I call it a crater because in the long haul; like the Volcano; you are unstable, emotional and you will accumulate all these anger awaiting to erupt. Insecurities began to sink in and in due course, you will start to become a pessimist. Been there and done that.

People always say look at the bright side of life. Always be grateful. Always look at the Positives. Once you blabber about your fate or be sad, people start to attack you, provoke you saying; you are not grateful enough. You don’t trust God enough. You don’t count your blessings enough. Enough said, all they are saying is “YOU ARE UNGRATEFUL!” Really Sad. Was talking to a friend the other night about Positivity, On some days its just hard to lift your head and smile to the world. In all honesty, I personally think it is okay to cry sometimes. It’s ok to have those cloudy days. Although you and I know some days you need to create your own sunshine but if you don’t, I think it’s perfectly ok.

I learnt during my transition to Motherhood how important it was to Tawakkal and Redha. We are in God’s eyes. He is the one that starts and ends our struggles. For you know, that best things are coming. It may not be now but it will be sooner than you think. Bigger than you think and the best it will ever be.

Indeed, the only way I breathe knowing that verily, with hardship come ease–and like all things of this world–this too shall pass. Love this excerpt from Yasmin Mogahed.

xoxo

This is for the people that matters ❤️

Finally sitting here and enjoying my view of Ayden napping. Sometimes it’s just so hard to take a breather when you have a child that needs constant attention due to his phase of separation anxiety these days, it gets… wait for it…


Yes and someone is up!

(2 hours later..) 🕦

Here I am continuing this entry. In between the time Ayden woke up, he had his playtime yet still fussy, we ended up in a meltdown to get him to bed early. In the end, we both slept! This is our never ending dramas together EVERYDAY. Ayden and I! Tonight Mum 1 Ayden 0. Lucky night.

So dear friends, I’ve developed mind-texting-reply syndrome since the beginning of motherhood now. You know when I received a text and in my mind I replied your text but in reality I did not. And on occasions when I browse my messages and realised that “GOSH I DIDNT REPLY HIS/HER TEXT AND ITS BEEN TWO WEEKS!” Sorry Filzah 😫 the list goes on..  This has been happening a lot lately and I deeply apologise 😔 it was never intentional! It’s not like I have a lot on my mind, only God knows why?

Impromptu plans are always the best! Back in the day prior to February 2016, We used to call/text each other up and meet up in the next hour or later in the day for whatevs. I sincerely DO miss them days. Now it seems like impromptu plans needs to take place the week before. When I received texts like these ; “Hey lets meet up for dinner in the city tonight!” We have all these different scenarios unfolding in our heads, ‘Is there enough time to come home from work; get Ayden ready and pack his stuff? What’s the weather going to be like? How do we have to dress Ayden? Naptime issues? Things to pack? Carrier VS Pram? How’s parking like at the venue? Is it far for us to walk hence need the pram? On most occasions, we managed it pretty well. But on some days, we struggle to get out of the door just because. So my friends, if there are days that we couldn’t make it to your invite, please accept our apologies.

Sometimes I get carried away talking about motherhood, diaper change struggles and whatnots. I just can’t help it. Deep down please do know that I still get excited talking about Justin Bieber concert that’s happening next year, still go crazy over Zac Efron and Channing Tatum and wish that I am Chrissy Teigen on some days! So these will soon pass, please don’t hesitate to ask me out or include me in your convos and invites, I still crave for my girly time. Big time!

Motherhood may have taken over my life like a storm but do know I am still the same person as I am before. I will still be there for you the best I can, be it a listener or a friend to talk to. Things maybe a tad different that I tend to tow Ayden everywhere with me now but I will still try to meet you as much as I can. I deserve a lil bit of sanity too!

So for whatever shortcomings I have thus far, please forgive me!

xoxo

Carpe Librum Singapore

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A quick shoutout to Carpe Librum Singapore! I am so proud of my good and close friend, Azura and my junior in Secondary School, Huda for creating a wonderful business set up for their love of books and reading.

Who is Carpe Librum?

They specialise in curating a bi-monthly book subscription box called the “Librum Box”.

The Librum Box is a thematic book box that consist of 1 book and 4 or 5 other book inspired merchandise.

The book is picked carefully based on the chosen theme and is a current bestseller, new release or a special edition of an all-time favorite title.
The box is curated by the owners, Azura & Huda or a special guest curator.
Each box is retailing at $35 (inclusive of personal delivery to your doorstep).

I reckon it’s a great idea! For all you avid readers out there or running out of gift ideas? Why not gift a friend a Librum Box. Well, who doesn’t love surprises in the mail?
Biased. Not at all.

Check out the July/Aug librum box, can you spot the local twist! Its great especially in conjunction with Singapore National Day just passed! I would have subscribed if i was in Singapore!

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If you are interested in their Librum box and wish to be on our mailing list, simply drop them an email at carpelibrum.sg@gmail.com or follow them on Facebook and Instagram to find out more!

Here’s a link of a fellow blogger and avid reader unboxing the Librum Box!

Rants, Reflect and Recover

I haven’t had a rant in ages. Oh wells, there was quite a few things clouding my mind. So I try to put my thoughts in one entry. Just hate to spread this negativity but I needed to vent.

Recently I was invited to a bridal shower that is 1.5hours away from us or if by public commute would take me 2.5hours. She’s not in any groups of friends of mine that I can hitch a ride or anything. If she is, I am so more than happy to go out that way!

If those who knew me, I bring Ayden with me everywhere. I try to limit instances where I leave Ayden with my in laws. I just feel guilty enough to let them look after Ayden while Ali and I are out having a good time. So I try to minimize it whenever I can.

The Maid of Honor, (or that’s who I think she is!) advised me that it won’t be taking place in Melbourne and so advised me to catch a V Line (Train – Public Transport). Maybe if she was a little concern or bothered, she would at least ask me where I lived when I mentioned that “xxx is way too far out for a Mummy like me who doesn’t drive”. And maybe if she knew I am taking a 1 year old with me too. But I won’t blame her because she doesn’t know me. But if I were her, when someone said that “It is quite far for a Mummy who doesn’t drive to travel publicly” I would instantly ask where do she lives and if she’s thinking to bring her son/daughter. But then again, I am overreacting but I reckon it’s just unfriendly the way she handled it..

I did even add in, that I am happy to chip in for the Bridal shower (it’s the least I could do on top of showering her with her bridal gift! Yes because I love her that much!) And she declined it in the most polite way. But if that’s what I want to do, I reckon she would just let me be apart of it even when I couldn’t make it. Grrr

Maybe this is just my hormones talking. But frankly I find this whole conversation unfriendly. I have been to several bridal showers and I have hosted a handful myself. I try my best to accommodate to everyone, and for those who can’t make it I genuinely try to help them if they still want to be apart of the Bridal shower. Most of these girls who can’t make it will want to partake in anyway possible for their fellow bride to be.

 One rant down.

So I am pretty sure this happens everywhere in school, workplace, life, etc. I am pretty sure us Humans always overlook things. But I find it funny how people don’t include you in their activities, work projects, part of their lifestyle and they have the cheek to ask for your help for something big!

Where are those other people in your life that you have been parading around with? Where are all these people that you have that you came running for our help when it comes to something you need done? So convenient aren’t we?  But at all other times when you don’t need us you just accidentally “forgot” us? I said “accidentally” because I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you did.

I won’t want to further elaborate but I think we should reflect. I may fall as one of them at one stage or another, yes you make mistakes but you learn and become better. But this happens too many times for some. That they need some sort of a wake up call. Insya Allah one day they will. But for now, please reflect before you do anything. What are our shortcomings? How can we be better?

End of Rant. Looking forward for the weekend and spending time with the fambam!

Mummy Struggles.

It’s been two months since i last blogged.

Yes. Motherhood taking its course alright. Everyday, is always something new to learn, to deal with and to adapt.

I learnt a lot, hurt a lot, disappointed a lot yet am still very proud.

People ask me all sorts of question from my birth story to my recovery and motherhood. But the following question stabs me in the heart. literally.

“Do you breastfeed or is Ayden on Formula?” 

A harmless question i never thought will hurt me the most. With low supply issues and expressing every so often indeed was very exhausting. Even Sophie my gynae did mentioned how exhausting it will be and if I can’t, i shouldnt be too hard on myself.

From the start, we have been mix feeding. Expressing breastmilk and topping up with Nan Pro Gold. It has been since the day he was admitted to Special Nursery due to my Gestational diabetes.

After 8 weeks, i decided to wean him off breastfeeding. I was exhausted and in near pit of depression. Guilty? I was swarmed with it every single day. I feel like i kept finding excuses not to breastfeed Ayden. Until one day the husband advised that nothing can replace breastmilk and no matter how little it is. It’s better than nothing. He supported and encouraged me to continue. 

Got myself a new breastpump. Spectra 9+. Now waiting for it to arrive. For the extra motivation to continue providing Ayden with breastmilk no matter how much the output will be. 

InsyaAllah he will guide me through.

To all mummies out there who are struggling with breastfeeding. Formula feeding is absolutely fine as long as Bub is well fed and gaining weight! He’s healthy and that’s all that matters. Don’t beat yourself up so badly! You’re awesome. You’ve done all that you can and the best that you can! Chin up!

 

Separation Anxiety.

Two weeks post-partum.

I’ve only heard of it through Mothers when they are apart with their child. For me, at present. It’s my husband. Weird right? Been asking around my fellow Mummies who understands how i feel and some felt the same way. Although i am so thankful, he still has two more weeks of working from home, but when he’s out and about meeting clients or meeting friends. I get this nervous,unease and rapid heart rate kind of feeling.  Anxiety indeed. But i am forcing myself to get used to this especially when he is heading back to work soon. Need to shake it off.

Agreed with a friend of mine, who mentioned that Hubs is my safety net at these vulnerable stages and it was definitely ok to feel that i need him.

Then again, i am not too sure if it was because of Post-Partum Blues with all these complicated hormones overcoming me. Or just this confinement period, making me all haywire and in desire need to head out and be busy like how i’m always used to.

I’m sorry dear Husband.

We have been receiving quite a lot of visitors lately, Ayden felt so much love! We are so thankful and grateful for all the gifts and gestures. Indeed, i get exhausted easily especially when this little one has not settled during the nights. Well, it may stay for another month or two i presume. Indeed, it is challenging and overwhelming from late night exhaustion and breastfeeding, but know that every hardship there will be ease. I can’t wait for then. In the meantime, the support i’ve received from my Mother groups in Melbourne and Singapore, the Husband, family and friends has been amazing and had helped me in so many ways to stay grounded!

I remember going to my Gynae during the late stages of my pregnancy and she asked what i was worried about the most. Of course i mentioned the labour pain. Her reply was that will be the least of things to worry about, and what i really need to worry about is recovery and my support system after birth. That’s the most important. And now i am starting to agree.

There are some nights i go out of my mind thinking what i do wrong. But watching you both sleeping beside me in the mornings regain my sanity and pushed myself to be a better mummy everyday.