Mum Guilt

Well, this past week has been quite trying.

And today, well today had to top it all!

Rush from home to office to the embassy to the office.. we are still on the way back to the office. Took the tram across the city holding a guilty lunch packed in a brown bag with Golden Arches in front of it. No not for me but for Ayden. Yes. Judge me. All you want.

Amidst the crazy rush this morning, Ayden was with me the whole time. Had to pull him to walk quickly so we won’t have to queue long at the embassy or missed the tram to catch the bus in the city to head back to the office. He was tired.

For the first time in a while, I panicked. I guess I was too exhausted to care about anything else except for work and these boys. Up till 4am this morning, went to the bathroom and decided (God knows!) to check my email. We got a check in email from the Airline and advised us to check our Visa requirements. And that 4am was the start of my day, because only then we realised Ayden needed a visa to enter China as he holds a different passport to Hubs and I.

I got all the details, checklists and decided to print all the paperwork at home. And of all days, none of the printers at home has any INK left! Subhanallah. I thought that was it and my heart broke further, when it states that it takes 3-4 working days to process. That’s why we had to make an emergency stop at the office.

I was ready to bring on the waterworks at the Embassy. Our flight departs at 6pm the next day, we literally only have less than 24hours to get hold of a Visa for this toddler of ours!

When we got to the embassy, there were not too many people just as yet. Luckily they have forms there to fill up and a copier to make copies of any relevant documents. The normal cost for a Holiday Visa to China was from $109.50. We had to fork out $209 altogether for a rush visa! OMG. i never had to pay that much for a Visa before. Well, whats done is done.

So we arranged for Ali to pick up the Visa the next morning. And finally, we can check in for our flight to Shanghai with a quick pit stop to Singapore for a wedding.

Virus

4 days ago, Ayden got home from Childcare with a 39.5 fever. Weak and with no appetite after his evening bath, he slumped on the couch. Next minute, he threw up all over it.

And here I go, INDEED. Not long before the childcare virus got on to him. A day later, Hubs got the virus but he was worst off. His body practically shuts down on him, he couldn’t even lift a finger, he was that weak. He was bedridden for a couple of days.

Exhausted is an understatement. Cleaning up after every vomit, every hour, everywhere. Pulled an arm muscle from Ayden’s clinginess and asking to be carried everywhere. Every 15mins, he kept wailing that his stomach is in pain. His poor appetite doesn’t help either.

Here I am trying to coax Ayden back to sleep for the fifteenth time in the last two hours, because his stomach was painful and his coughs were disrupting his sleep. We bought a 100ml Neurofen on Thursday and its 1/4 left now!

Still feeling helpless, like I have got no idea what to do, I’ve been rubbing oil on his tummy, giving him cuddles, hot water bottle, trying all home remedies that Google told me to. His fever has been on and off.

Just too stressful.

We just need to wait for another Doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Because the Husband is still unwell, got to bring Ayden for an early start at work. Payroll day is super busy. Then rush for his doctor appointment then rush home and hoping to cook lunch for both.

Apart from my sorrows, a lil part of me are glad that it happened now rather than on our holidays.

May Allah ease our affairs tomorrow. 3 more days ✈️

Hustle

I need a getaway. Pronto.

Maybe somewhere green, lushes forest or bush. FRESH AIR AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY!

Body needs to reconnect to nature and resync.

Been hustling since we got back, trying to settle into our regular routine. Waiting for pay to come in. (Broke and Monthly salary is just very inconvenient!)

Will be taking Ayden to weekly Zoo trips. Thank God, Melbourne has three Zoos. Trying to make full use of our Zoo membership before it finishes next month.

Australia Open is now on, and the heat is getting worst as well! Each time when the AO is on, our summer weather gets even hotter!

January, you’re such a drag!

2019.

i love Allah.

i love my parents. so much.

i love my family.

i love to be home.

i love Ayden.

i love my husband.

Urmmm Not really. Not when he gets on my nerves. Sometimes I’m hard to deal with. I admit to that.

i love when I prostrate, I feel like all these feels just melt to the ground.

2019, what’s in store?

All I want is to get my anxiety anxiety anxiety out of my system.

PS: Waiting for my flight home, with tears streaming down my face and a heart so heavy, I feel it’s going to drop to the floor.

Munching on cold leftovers from our Burger King Lunch. Taking deep breaths to have the final whiff of the homeland.

Squeezing Ayden’s hand real tight as I led him through the skybridge where our EK404 flight awaits us.

Will I publish this post? Will I not? Maybe.

Prostration

The past Ramadan, I find myself in prostration longer than usual at times. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming, I just prostrate hoping that Allah knows what’s in my heart and mind. Indeed he does.

I prayed for the world, for the less fortunate, for my friends, for my family, for myself, but I can’t help thanking Allah for all that he has provided and bestow upon me, the good, the bad and the trials. Blessings in disguise indeed, for the strength in my character and the willpower it builds.

Indeed, everyone have their piece of baggage small or large, it didn’t matter. But He knows. Everything. He’s the only one that could take it all away.

Alhamdulillah during this time too, I’ve been pushing myself to pray at work. And I hope this is a start of a habit that has been my struggle. I’m not at all pious but I’m trying really hard at least to not miss my Salah. I remember Aida mentioned in one of her first love letters… keep praying, even days when you neglect, take wudhu and pray again. Keep trying. Keep praying. And InsyaAllah it will be the best habit you have acquired. That’s my ultimate goal this year.

Last weekend, I had managed to get tickets to watch “One day in the Haram” and MasyaAllah for someone who hasn’t been there at all, I’ve been in awe. My hearts full, my eyes were just filled with tears of gratitude and happiness and voices in my heart whispering “Ya Allah, please invite me to your home.. One day” at every scene of the movie! If you’re able to watch the movie, please do! It’s remarkable!

Thank you One Path Network for always striving and bringing so much through this platform to educate and raise awareness regarding Islam. May Allah bless you all. Amin!

One of the things that I am very very grateful so far this year was being able to spend Eid with my parents; my family. Even if it’s only for a week, I thank god everyday, for letting me spend another day closer to them. I thank God for letting my parents live longer, healthier and sound.

There’s never a time where you return to reality without having to go through Post Holiday Syndrome. It hits hard, I still beat myself up for all the guilt. I should be back in Singapore instead; caring for my Mother. I’m just glad we are just 7.5 hours away. And this thing called life, which involves many bad decisions, risks and sacrifices, i really hope one day it will all be worth it!

While I was in Singapore, a friend of mine was asking about my mum and her condition, turns out his mum too was suffering. A few days later, I received the news that his Mum passed away and yesterday his grandma did. My heart just sank. Two deaths in one month. Two closest souls in his life. I can’t imagine the devastation! Wan, if you are reading this, my deepest condolences and prayers to you and your family, May He give you the strength to overcome this dark episode. May Allah bless their souls, erase their sins and place them among the pious in Jannah. Amin.

xoxo