Virus

4 days ago, Ayden got home from Childcare with a 39.5 fever. Weak and with no appetite after his evening bath, he slumped on the couch. Next minute, he threw up all over it.

And here I go, INDEED. Not long before the childcare virus got on to him. A day later, Hubs got the virus but he was worst off. His body practically shuts down on him, he couldn’t even lift a finger, he was that weak. He was bedridden for a couple of days.

Exhausted is an understatement. Cleaning up after every vomit, every hour, everywhere. Pulled an arm muscle from Ayden’s clinginess and asking to be carried everywhere. Every 15mins, he kept wailing that his stomach is in pain. His poor appetite doesn’t help either.

Here I am trying to coax Ayden back to sleep for the fifteenth time in the last two hours, because his stomach was painful and his coughs were disrupting his sleep. We bought a 100ml Neurofen on Thursday and its 1/4 left now!

Still feeling helpless, like I have got no idea what to do, I’ve been rubbing oil on his tummy, giving him cuddles, hot water bottle, trying all home remedies that Google told me to. His fever has been on and off.

Just too stressful.

We just need to wait for another Doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Because the Husband is still unwell, got to bring Ayden for an early start at work. Payroll day is super busy. Then rush for his doctor appointment then rush home and hoping to cook lunch for both.

Apart from my sorrows, a lil part of me are glad that it happened now rather than on our holidays.

May Allah ease our affairs tomorrow. 3 more days ✈️

Hustle

I need a getaway. Pronto.

Maybe somewhere green, lushes forest or bush. FRESH AIR AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY!

Body needs to reconnect to nature and resync.

Been hustling since we got back, trying to settle into our regular routine. Waiting for pay to come in. (Broke and Monthly salary is just very inconvenient!)

Will be taking Ayden to weekly Zoo trips. Thank God, Melbourne has three Zoos. Trying to make full use of our Zoo membership before it finishes next month.

Australia Open is now on, and the heat is getting worst as well! Each time when the AO is on, our summer weather gets even hotter!

January, you’re such a drag!

2019.

i love Allah.

i love my parents. so much.

i love my family.

i love to be home.

i love Ayden.

i love my husband.

Urmmm Not really. Not when he gets on my nerves. Sometimes I’m hard to deal with. I admit to that.

i love when I prostrate, I feel like all these feels just melt to the ground.

2019, what’s in store?

All I want is to get my anxiety anxiety anxiety out of my system.

PS: Waiting for my flight home, with tears streaming down my face and a heart so heavy, I feel it’s going to drop to the floor.

Munching on cold leftovers from our Burger King Lunch. Taking deep breaths to have the final whiff of the homeland.

Squeezing Ayden’s hand real tight as I led him through the skybridge where our EK404 flight awaits us.

Will I publish this post? Will I not? Maybe.

Prostration

The past Ramadan, I find myself in prostration longer than usual at times. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming, I just prostrate hoping that Allah knows what’s in my heart and mind. Indeed he does.

I prayed for the world, for the less fortunate, for my friends, for my family, for myself, but I can’t help thanking Allah for all that he has provided and bestow upon me, the good, the bad and the trials. Blessings in disguise indeed, for the strength in my character and the willpower it builds.

Indeed, everyone have their piece of baggage small or large, it didn’t matter. But He knows. Everything. He’s the only one that could take it all away.

Alhamdulillah during this time too, I’ve been pushing myself to pray at work. And I hope this is a start of a habit that has been my struggle. I’m not at all pious but I’m trying really hard at least to not miss my Salah. I remember Aida mentioned in one of her first love letters… keep praying, even days when you neglect, take wudhu and pray again. Keep trying. Keep praying. And InsyaAllah it will be the best habit you have acquired. That’s my ultimate goal this year.

Last weekend, I had managed to get tickets to watch “One day in the Haram” and MasyaAllah for someone who hasn’t been there at all, I’ve been in awe. My hearts full, my eyes were just filled with tears of gratitude and happiness and voices in my heart whispering “Ya Allah, please invite me to your home.. One day” at every scene of the movie! If you’re able to watch the movie, please do! It’s remarkable!

Thank you One Path Network for always striving and bringing so much through this platform to educate and raise awareness regarding Islam. May Allah bless you all. Amin!

One of the things that I am very very grateful so far this year was being able to spend Eid with my parents; my family. Even if it’s only for a week, I thank god everyday, for letting me spend another day closer to them. I thank God for letting my parents live longer, healthier and sound.

There’s never a time where you return to reality without having to go through Post Holiday Syndrome. It hits hard, I still beat myself up for all the guilt. I should be back in Singapore instead; caring for my Mother. I’m just glad we are just 7.5 hours away. And this thing called life, which involves many bad decisions, risks and sacrifices, i really hope one day it will all be worth it!

While I was in Singapore, a friend of mine was asking about my mum and her condition, turns out his mum too was suffering. A few days later, I received the news that his Mum passed away and yesterday his grandma did. My heart just sank. Two deaths in one month. Two closest souls in his life. I can’t imagine the devastation! Wan, if you are reading this, my deepest condolences and prayers to you and your family, May He give you the strength to overcome this dark episode. May Allah bless their souls, erase their sins and place them among the pious in Jannah. Amin.

xoxo

Mummy wins, Mummy guilty

Tonight was the night, I dread.

We have been moderately giving the IPad to Ayden for him to watch his favourite shows on ABC kids and playing educational games. Before, it was strictly when we are out and about.

Since Ramadan started, I’ve been giving Ayden the iPad while I carry out my Ishak and Terawih prayers.Tonight was different. He hasn’t slept all day, hence I was thinking of putting him to bed early, after all he must be so tired not napping the whole day!

Boy was I wrong, after changing to his Pyjamas, he started asking for iPad. I shook my head, he begun crying like there was no tomorrow, kicking and throwing tantrums. It was so hard to see but I was adamant that we both can get through this. The battle lasted for 20-30mins (it seems like an eternity for me!) finally as he was sobbing very hard; he crawled onto my lap, eyes shut and slowly drift to sleep.

I cradle him tightly for the next half an hour and gently kissed him on the forehead and whispered in his ears; “I’m sorry I had to do what I had to do. Mummy loves you very much”.

I think the part that scares me the most is when he starts to demand for it and worst when he expect it from me.

We’ll get there. Here’s to us trying 72hours without an iPad.

Ramadan already!

What! 3 weeks to Ramadan!

Omg How the time flies! This year has been such an optimistic year! I’m actually surprised at myself and what I’ve achieved in the state of my overall well being. It was my demons that I’m fighting and issues I’m admitting.

January started off with two deaths in the family. It was quite a shock and at the same time, it draws me closer to my own. Truth to be told, deaths are inevitable, no warnings or signs. When it comes, you have to Redha and accept what comes may; for Allah has better plans for all of us. Let’s spend more time with our families. Only time will tell when it happens, in the meantime make more memories and embrace all the moments.

In the past four months, I’ve gone through 3 suicide deaths of known acquaintances. It took everyone by surprise. You’ve met, have coffee dates and have deep meaningful convos. At the end of the day, everyone tried their best at both ends. Family and friends. It’s really devastating to see the aftermath and how it takes a toll on their families. You can only pray. Pray harder for them.

I think that for every decision you make, that’s what makes you, you. It’s not for anyone else. All I can say from the past few months, it taught me that my happiness comes first. It may sound selfish to some, but it is actually important to prioritise the state of your overall well-being amongst everything else. That’s your core.

I don’t blame anyone or spoke ill of anybody in this course. It was me, my issues. I have this issue of expecting the same treatment I gave to another, some said I expect too much. It was something that I thought was given when you give. Indeed, I learnt. Now I learnt not to expect anything and it’s quite an eye opener. The sooner you let go and learnt, the faster you run in happiness!

It was my biggest issue to hold on to relationships really tightly, too dependent on some which I should not. Again, that was indeed my issue and not anyone’s. I learnt it the hard way. So, I decided to take myself out of the equations,and shift my focus on my own life, my own family. Indeed, it’s been such a great learning journey discovering myself and you learn a thing or two new every time. (Just like how I realised Ayden seemed to enjoy rice and Kangkong Belachan!)

Moving forward, I’m living and going with the flow, with the people who comes in and stay, with the people who chose to leave, with the people who let you be the best of you.