Prostration

The past Ramadan, I find myself in prostration longer than usual at times. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming, I just prostrate hoping that Allah knows what’s in my heart and mind. Indeed he does.

I prayed for the world, for the less fortunate, for my friends, for my family, for myself, but I can’t help thanking Allah for all that he has provided and bestow upon me, the good, the bad and the trials. Blessings in disguise indeed, for the strength in my character and the willpower it builds.

Indeed, everyone have their piece of baggage small or large, it didn’t matter. But He knows. Everything. He’s the only one that could take it all away.

Alhamdulillah during this time too, I’ve been pushing myself to pray at work. And I hope this is a start of a habit that has been my struggle. I’m not at all pious but I’m trying really hard at least to not miss my Salah. I remember Aida mentioned in one of her first love letters… keep praying, even days when you neglect, take wudhu and pray again. Keep trying. Keep praying. And InsyaAllah it will be the best habit you have acquired. That’s my ultimate goal this year.

Last weekend, I had managed to get tickets to watch “One day in the Haram” and MasyaAllah for someone who hasn’t been there at all, I’ve been in awe. My hearts full, my eyes were just filled with tears of gratitude and happiness and voices in my heart whispering “Ya Allah, please invite me to your home.. One day” at every scene of the movie! If you’re able to watch the movie, please do! It’s remarkable!

Thank you One Path Network for always striving and bringing so much through this platform to educate and raise awareness regarding Islam. May Allah bless you all. Amin!

One of the things that I am very very grateful so far this year was being able to spend Eid with my parents; my family. Even if it’s only for a week, I thank god everyday, for letting me spend another day closer to them. I thank God for letting my parents live longer, healthier and sound.

There’s never a time where you return to reality without having to go through Post Holiday Syndrome. It hits hard, I still beat myself up for all the guilt. I should be back in Singapore instead; caring for my Mother. I’m just glad we are just 7.5 hours away. And this thing called life, which involves many bad decisions, risks and sacrifices, i really hope one day it will all be worth it!

While I was in Singapore, a friend of mine was asking about my mum and her condition, turns out his mum too was suffering. A few days later, I received the news that his Mum passed away and yesterday his grandma did. My heart just sank. Two deaths in one month. Two closest souls in his life. I can’t imagine the devastation! Wan, if you are reading this, my deepest condolences and prayers to you and your family, May He give you the strength to overcome this dark episode. May Allah bless their souls, erase their sins and place them among the pious in Jannah. Amin.

xoxo

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Mummy wins, Mummy guilty

Tonight was the night, I dread.

We have been moderately giving the IPad to Ayden for him to watch his favourite shows on ABC kids and playing educational games. Before, it was strictly when we are out and about.

Since Ramadan started, I’ve been giving Ayden the iPad while I carry out my Ishak and Terawih prayers.Tonight was different. He hasn’t slept all day, hence I was thinking of putting him to bed early, after all he must be so tired not napping the whole day!

Boy was I wrong, after changing to his Pyjamas, he started asking for iPad. I shook my head, he begun crying like there was no tomorrow, kicking and throwing tantrums. It was so hard to see but I was adamant that we both can get through this. The battle lasted for 20-30mins (it seems like an eternity for me!) finally as he was sobbing very hard; he crawled onto my lap, eyes shut and slowly drift to sleep.

I cradle him tightly for the next half an hour and gently kissed him on the forehead and whispered in his ears; “I’m sorry I had to do what I had to do. Mummy loves you very much”.

I think the part that scares me the most is when he starts to demand for it and worst when he expect it from me.

We’ll get there. Here’s to us trying 72hours without an iPad.

Ramadan already!

What! 3 weeks to Ramadan!

Omg How the time flies! This year has been such an optimistic year! I’m actually surprised at myself and what I’ve achieved in the state of my overall well being. It was my demons that I’m fighting and issues I’m admitting.

January started off with two deaths in the family. It was quite a shock and at the same time, it draws me closer to my own. Truth to be told, deaths are inevitable, no warnings or signs. When it comes, you have to Redha and accept what comes may; for Allah has better plans for all of us. Let’s spend more time with our families. Only time will tell when it happens, in the meantime make more memories and embrace all the moments.

In the past four months, I’ve gone through 3 suicide deaths of known acquaintances. It took everyone by surprise. You’ve met, have coffee dates and have deep meaningful convos. At the end of the day, everyone tried their best at both ends. Family and friends. It’s really devastating to see the aftermath and how it takes a toll on their families. You can only pray. Pray harder for them.

I think that for every decision you make, that’s what makes you, you. It’s not for anyone else. All I can say from the past few months, it taught me that my happiness comes first. It may sound selfish to some, but it is actually important to prioritise the state of your overall well-being amongst everything else. That’s your core.

I don’t blame anyone or spoke ill of anybody in this course. It was me, my issues. I have this issue of expecting the same treatment I gave to another, some said I expect too much. It was something that I thought was given when you give. Indeed, I learnt. Now I learnt not to expect anything and it’s quite an eye opener. The sooner you let go and learnt, the faster you run in happiness!

It was my biggest issue to hold on to relationships really tightly, too dependent on some which I should not. Again, that was indeed my issue and not anyone’s. I learnt it the hard way. So, I decided to take myself out of the equations,and shift my focus on my own life, my own family. Indeed, it’s been such a great learning journey discovering myself and you learn a thing or two new every time. (Just like how I realised Ayden seemed to enjoy rice and Kangkong Belachan!)

Moving forward, I’m living and going with the flow, with the people who comes in and stay, with the people who chose to leave, with the people who let you be the best of you.

Heavy.

It was Summer of 2017 when this song lingers through me. You see I am more of a lyrical person. I tend to decipher the meanings of songs through lyrics as compared to others who are more interested on the notes of the song. Like my husband for example.

A song that spoke to me at my lowest. Its funny how people telling me about how emotional or sensitive one (others) can be. And whenever that happens, I felt like a piercing through my heart each time. Like I know they don’t know, but I know some may call ME the same! But I totally get it.

There are days that I struggle to fight my own demons. There are days when I lay prostrating before Allah, and my tears, they just kept falling. There are days where questions like “Am I good enough for anyone?” filled my head.

I’ve had my share of suicide incidents that happen to friends, a friend of a friend. It’s never easy. One minute they are laughing, and the next minute, they just took their life. And its not for us to judge. Not for us to think “oh what a waste!” We can never feel how they feel at that time, how heavy their heart must be before taking that final step.

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy

‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on, So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on, Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe

Baggage

Before you go ahead and bitch about someone else ;

“oh yea, he’s always emotional! Can’t be bothered with people like that!”

“Oh yea, she’s like that. I don’t need the negativity”

“She’s always sensitive!”

“He’s such a reserved individual! Whatever…”

The least you can do is reach out and ask the person “Are you ok?” Nine out of Ten, you’ll be surprise with the replies you get. No one wants to be emotional, if they have a choice, no one wants to be the sensitive one anyways. Always look at the bigger picture.

Everyone have their own baggage. Who are we to judge what anyone is going or have gone through. Before you pass such baseless remarks to bitch about, at least be the wiser person and a caring friend to question about the bigger picture here or if you’re only considered yourself as an acquaintance, shut the fuck up!

Family

I was brought up in a way where family comes first. In anything and everything.

It wasn’t until I moved to Melbourne that my sibling ties were so much closer than before. I guess our decade gap makes it hard growing up. They were teenagers when I was still in my toddlerhood. It was like being too cool to hang out with your baby sister.

With my parents, whenever we have any family events, you better clear your plans for the day. My dad had only started asking if we had plans for the day after we have our own families.

To think back, I think that’s why I’m such a homebody; very much family oriented. I love doing something with the whole family. Get a lil excited for family events or trips.

If I could I would fly back now. But this girl who’s now a mum and wife, has priorities that needs to be settled. Till December then.

2018.

How Social Media broke me.

Where friendships were based on the number of followers, likes and who made it on each other’s ‘ social media.

No one will admit to it. It’s too embarrassing, one said.

That’s the only way to show the world that they belong and to themselves for achieving their own sense of belonging.

For some, that sense of belonging turns to a social dependency. You depend on this circle for support, for constant sanity rants and invitations. And the opposite effects of them can be bitter.

Yasmin Mogahed’s words can’t be more apt. Below was an excerpt of her article. I don’t blame anyone but myself for these feelings that I had. I’ve been debating this all year to detoxify myself from social media, people and the world. I gave in to my worldly Nafs too soon every time.

“Social Media strengthens another dangerous focus: the focus on other people, what they’re doing, what they like. What they think of me. Facebook feeds the preoccupation with others’ assessment of me. Soon, I enter the orbit of the creation. Inside that orbit, my definitions, my pain, my happiness, my self-worth, my success and my failure is determined by the creation. When I live in that orbit, I rise and fall with the creation. When the people are happy with me, I’m up. When they’re not, I fall. Where I stand is defined by people. I’m like a prisoner because I have given up the keys to my happiness, sadness, fulfillment, and disappointment to the people to hold.

In a profound hadith (Prophetic teaching), a man came to the Prophet ﷺ and said: “O Messenger of God, direct me to an act, which if I do, God will love me and people will love me.” He ﷺ said: “Detach yourself from the world, and God will love you. Detach yourself from what is with the people, and the people will love you.”  [Ibn Majah]

Ironically, the less we chase after the approval and love of the people, the more we gain it. The less needy we are of others, the more people are drawn to us and seek our company. This hadith teaches us a profound Truth. Only by breaking out of the orbit of the creation, can we succeed with both God and people.”

One of my goals and priorities this year is this exactly. Part of my detoxification and to declutter my life, from these worldly Nafs and the creations.

As the three of us lay here on our bed laughing counting down to New Years and Ayden’s bedtime. Here’s wishing everyone  a blessed and less social media frenzy 2018!

xoxo