Driving… Finally!

Yay! So finally got the courage to contact the local driving school and bought a package for myself! Hoping that I could score my license before end of the year!

My true blue Aussie driving instructor took me by surprise with words like a**h*** and d***h*** every now then. But now I’m used to it.

This is definitely a big thing for me! Hoping I could ace them quickly but reality is I’m scared shitless in the driver’s seat!

Wish me luck!

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Carpe Librum Singapore

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A quick shoutout to Carpe Librum Singapore! I am so proud of my good and close friend, Azura and my junior in Secondary School, Huda for creating a wonderful business set up for their love of books and reading.

Who is Carpe Librum?

They specialise in curating a bi-monthly book subscription box called the “Librum Box”.

The Librum Box is a thematic book box that consist of 1 book and 4 or 5 other book inspired merchandise.

The book is picked carefully based on the chosen theme and is a current bestseller, new release or a special edition of an all-time favorite title.
The box is curated by the owners, Azura & Huda or a special guest curator.
Each box is retailing at $35 (inclusive of personal delivery to your doorstep).

I reckon it’s a great idea! For all you avid readers out there or running out of gift ideas? Why not gift a friend a Librum Box. Well, who doesn’t love surprises in the mail?
Biased. Not at all.

Check out the July/Aug librum box, can you spot the local twist! Its great especially in conjunction with Singapore National Day just passed! I would have subscribed if i was in Singapore!

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If you are interested in their Librum box and wish to be on our mailing list, simply drop them an email at carpelibrum.sg@gmail.com or follow them on Facebook and Instagram to find out more!

Here’s a link of a fellow blogger and avid reader unboxing the Librum Box!

Rants, Reflect and Recover

I haven’t had a rant in ages. Oh wells, there was quite a few things clouding my mind. So I try to put my thoughts in one entry. Just hate to spread this negativity but I needed to vent.

Recently I was invited to a bridal shower that is 1.5hours away from us or if by public commute would take me 2.5hours. She’s not in any groups of friends of mine that I can hitch a ride or anything. If she is, I am so more than happy to go out that way!

If those who knew me, I bring Ayden with me everywhere. I try to limit instances where I leave Ayden with my in laws. I just feel guilty enough to let them look after Ayden while Ali and I are out having a good time. So I try to minimize it whenever I can.

The Maid of Honor, (or that’s who I think she is!) advised me that it won’t be taking place in Melbourne and so advised me to catch a V Line (Train – Public Transport). Maybe if she was a little concern or bothered, she would at least ask me where I lived when I mentioned that “xxx is way too far out for a Mummy like me who doesn’t drive”. And maybe if she knew I am taking a 1 year old with me too. But I won’t blame her because she doesn’t know me. But if I were her, when someone said that “It is quite far for a Mummy who doesn’t drive to travel publicly” I would instantly ask where do she lives and if she’s thinking to bring her son/daughter. But then again, I am overreacting but I reckon it’s just unfriendly the way she handled it..

I did even add in, that I am happy to chip in for the Bridal shower (it’s the least I could do on top of showering her with her bridal gift! Yes because I love her that much!) And she declined it in the most polite way. But if that’s what I want to do, I reckon she would just let me be apart of it even when I couldn’t make it. Grrr

Maybe this is just my hormones talking. But frankly I find this whole conversation unfriendly. I have been to several bridal showers and I have hosted a handful myself. I try my best to accommodate to everyone, and for those who can’t make it I genuinely try to help them if they still want to be apart of the Bridal shower. Most of these girls who can’t make it will want to partake in anyway possible for their fellow bride to be.

 One rant down.

So I am pretty sure this happens everywhere in school, workplace, life, etc. I am pretty sure us Humans always overlook things. But I find it funny how people don’t include you in their activities, work projects, part of their lifestyle and they have the cheek to ask for your help for something big!

Where are those other people in your life that you have been parading around with? Where are all these people that you have that you came running for our help when it comes to something you need done? So convenient aren’t we?  But at all other times when you don’t need us you just accidentally “forgot” us? I said “accidentally” because I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you did.

I won’t want to further elaborate but I think we should reflect. I may fall as one of them at one stage or another, yes you make mistakes but you learn and become better. But this happens too many times for some. That they need some sort of a wake up call. Insya Allah one day they will. But for now, please reflect before you do anything. What are our shortcomings? How can we be better?

End of Rant. Looking forward for the weekend and spending time with the fambam!

Mummy Struggles.

It’s been two months since i last blogged.

Yes. Motherhood taking its course alright. Everyday, is always something new to learn, to deal with and to adapt.

I learnt a lot, hurt a lot, disappointed a lot yet am still very proud.

People ask me all sorts of question from my birth story to my recovery and motherhood. But the following question stabs me in the heart. literally.

“Do you breastfeed or is Ayden on Formula?” 

A harmless question i never thought will hurt me the most. With low supply issues and expressing every so often indeed was very exhausting. Even Sophie my gynae did mentioned how exhausting it will be and if I can’t, i shouldnt be too hard on myself.

From the start, we have been mix feeding. Expressing breastmilk and topping up with Nan Pro Gold. It has been since the day he was admitted to Special Nursery due to my Gestational diabetes.

After 8 weeks, i decided to wean him off breastfeeding. I was exhausted and in near pit of depression. Guilty? I was swarmed with it every single day. I feel like i kept finding excuses not to breastfeed Ayden. Until one day the husband advised that nothing can replace breastmilk and no matter how little it is. It’s better than nothing. He supported and encouraged me to continue. 

Got myself a new breastpump. Spectra 9+. Now waiting for it to arrive. For the extra motivation to continue providing Ayden with breastmilk no matter how much the output will be. 

InsyaAllah he will guide me through.

To all mummies out there who are struggling with breastfeeding. Formula feeding is absolutely fine as long as Bub is well fed and gaining weight! He’s healthy and that’s all that matters. Don’t beat yourself up so badly! You’re awesome. You’ve done all that you can and the best that you can! Chin up!

 

Separation Anxiety.

Two weeks post-partum.

I’ve only heard of it through Mothers when they are apart with their child. For me, at present. It’s my husband. Weird right? Been asking around my fellow Mummies who understands how i feel and some felt the same way. Although i am so thankful, he still has two more weeks of working from home, but when he’s out and about meeting clients or meeting friends. I get this nervous,unease and rapid heart rate kind of feeling.  Anxiety indeed. But i am forcing myself to get used to this especially when he is heading back to work soon. Need to shake it off.

Agreed with a friend of mine, who mentioned that Hubs is my safety net at these vulnerable stages and it was definitely ok to feel that i need him.

Then again, i am not too sure if it was because of Post-Partum Blues with all these complicated hormones overcoming me. Or just this confinement period, making me all haywire and in desire need to head out and be busy like how i’m always used to.

I’m sorry dear Husband.

We have been receiving quite a lot of visitors lately, Ayden felt so much love! We are so thankful and grateful for all the gifts and gestures. Indeed, i get exhausted easily especially when this little one has not settled during the nights. Well, it may stay for another month or two i presume. Indeed, it is challenging and overwhelming from late night exhaustion and breastfeeding, but know that every hardship there will be ease. I can’t wait for then. In the meantime, the support i’ve received from my Mother groups in Melbourne and Singapore, the Husband, family and friends has been amazing and had helped me in so many ways to stay grounded!

I remember going to my Gynae during the late stages of my pregnancy and she asked what i was worried about the most. Of course i mentioned the labour pain. Her reply was that will be the least of things to worry about, and what i really need to worry about is recovery and my support system after birth. That’s the most important. And now i am starting to agree.

There are some nights i go out of my mind thinking what i do wrong. But watching you both sleeping beside me in the mornings regain my sanity and pushed myself to be a better mummy everyday.

 

Maybe.

Every now and then, the news of cheating partners lay by on my newsfeed. I sit there pondering to myself if my spouse is doing the same. And that’s just me.

Irregardless whether its the man or the woman, cheating i despise. No matter how good your reasons you kept shooting to prove your innocence. Cheating period. is not on! 

Being in the same boat myself prior to getting married to my husband. It wasn’t my husband. It was an emotional rollercoaster. You trusted that person with all you got, you knew the relationship was for the long run, you both had visions of getting married and have a family. But that one day came, you got the phonecall you wish you didn’t take but looking back you are so thankful you did.

“Sorry babe to call you in the middle of the night like this; i really need to tell you because you’re my friend and that i hope you know that i care for you. Your boyfriend is cheating on you and has been ** with another girl! Are you there? Hello… Babe… Talk to me, please! Hello..” 

And i just hung up the phone just like that but i did text her to thank her for telling me. Why i chose to believe her, because i know she will never lie to me. She won’t call me so late at night if she knew it wasn’t important. Me, i just collapsed on the cold floor with my phone in my hand and curled up crying so hard in the most silent way so that i wont wake the rest of the family up.

Each time when i read about cheating partners, i recalled that specific time. I layed on that floor that night crying. Trying to reach that Man whom i trusted, respected and loved that was left unanswered. And more unconventional thoughts of him and that girl just sprung on my mind again and again that night.

Multiple anxiety attacks and asthma hit me! I am emotionally weak. My ultimate weakness. By the time, it was morning my tears dried up, my eyes swollen and my heart was hurting so bad. I texted Him to meet me at our usual place. He knew now that i know, i texted him countless times about it. On top of the unsuccessful  numerous calls i made.

We met and talked about it. We cried. He was remorseful but I wasn’t ready to take him back. I left. Not for long. Rather unfortunate. He chose me over that girl. Ecstatic not the least. 

That girl, she has the cheek to call me to try to be friends with and apologize for that fling! She try to add me on various social media.. She tried to chat me up on MSN. She emails me a couple of times which i never entertained. As heavy my heart is, sinking like an anchor to the ocean floor. I forgave her and told her to move on and do not attempt to contact me anymore. 

  

For him, the next year and the half was very challenging. Was full of trust issues. I was insecure. My heart was constantly challenged. I soon regretted. I was emotionally  wreck. I couldnt see myself getting married with him and still having all this trust issues. I couldnt see myself having a family with someone like him anymore. I kept telling myself, maybe tomorrow i will be able to come to terms with it. But that tomorrow didn’t come. not ever.
And so I ran. I moved. I flew to another continent to start a fresh.

This time i told myself, if my man were to cheat on me, I won’t hesitate to leave. Yes with or without kids. I am not capable to go through that heartbreak again or feeling insecure for the rest of my life!

It was definitely a big chapter of my life that was just so hard to erase. It reminds me my scars and who i am today. I learned not to give 100% in love or trust to anyone except for Allah. Because noone is perfect except for him.