Words in my head.

Words.

They can be manipulative. Your intentions and what others perceived can be totally different. To you, your words may have a significant meaning, tone and intention but for someone reading, it can be a sword that cuts ties or can be heartstrings that rekindle love and even mend broken hearts.

But words are also our truth. Things we couldn’t or bring to say. To avoid confrontations. To let them into your world of thoughts without compromising on your physical emotions.

This is how my head looks like on some days. Most nights. Like Shawn Mendes sings; “Keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?” And you have people who wants to be in the know, who kept saying “I’m here”, “I totally get you” but they don’t realise how hard sometimes to say it all out, to be raw; to be cut open and hand them a slice of your fears. And they get sick of waiting and they left.

There are times I kept a distance not because I dislike a person, but because I was terrified. Terrified of losing. Losing what? who? *shrugs* i wish i had the answers. I just needed space and time. I don’t, well i cannot just let anyone in, and be torn apart, raw and broken. I value my trust more than ever now.

If you’re not willing to hang around, wait and give me space to figure myself out, I definitely accepted the fact that you go as far as to block me from your life. You know what? To me that’s perfectly fine. I realised even myself now that we all do what we need for ourselves. If you’re still here hanging around, THANK YOU. Because your presence and Duas are God sent; I believe God sent you to me as my guidance and has always been my constant reminder to always go back to Him.

As for me, I needed space to find my ground. I needed space to figure out how do I do this thing. I need space to put into words what I’m thinking. I need space to find out what exactly is wrong and how do I fix ME.

Reality bites, Someone I knew who suffers from Anxiety, treat another fellow person who suffers the same like thrash, threw them aside. You will soon realised, probably they don’t need you or see you in their life. But I would expect. Yes that’s my keyword Expect. Empathy. Because they knew what you’re going through. They would empathise but unfortunately that’s not the case. Anyways, this is just a one off based on my personal experience. I guess not everyone is like that.

I came to realised that social gatherings; I mean big social gatherings are my stress point these days. My hearts beats very fast, i trembled a lot, I struggle to breathe, I just can’t stay put so I have to walk around, I get fidgety I can’t sit, I get worried over nothing, I’ll distract myself by doing something else. Sometimes, I’m ok. I’ll move around from one point to another trying to mingle or distract myself. Other times, only God knows. And after the whole saga, I feel like I’ve become restless, and have so much fatigue.

That’s why, I prefer to have smaller catch ups; most of the time anyways. It is easier to converse and I feel much relaxed. It’s more personal and no small talks; just great conversations. So much different from the previous scenario. Life is a learning curve, from adulting to motherhood. Each phase met with new challenges. InsyaAllah everything will fall into place in due time. God is the best of all Planners.

I am taking my time, to enjoy, to love and to recover.

xoxo

ana

11.

In 2007, I arrive in Melbourne naively. I was 22. Naively unknowing that it’s a decision that was the hardest 11 years on filled with what ifs and sacrifices.

I arrive having to escape a heartbreaking relationship, I arrive having my choice of freedom, Importantly, I arrive having a mindset of “the grass is greener on the other side.” Little did I know.

It was the hardest first half of the year, being away from the family. Harder when your life at home was so much better; oh come on! If you’re a young Singaporean, the freedom of hanging out at coffee shops till late night, shopping centres close at 10pm everyday, movies screening till late (and cheaper!), the ease and convenience of public transport, home cooked meals and hawker food starts to haunt you! The hardest is when you realised you NEED your family presence more, something I realised I took for granted!

After two years, my First trip home in 2009.

I was thankful and lucky, I found a casual job one after another and i have been working non stop since 2007. That kept me busy, well so busy! During University, I was working as a Barista, Market Research Interviewer and Customer Service consecutively, these jobs helped me pay off my tuition fees as I studied. Hard work. TBH, I feel like I was working more than I studied! It did reflect on my transcript. Alhamdulillah I graduated in 2010.

2007, the same year, I never knew that falling in love was part of the plan, God’s plans. Then, 6 years later, who could have thought we will be solemnised in front of our closest family and friends.

Alhamdulillah. Marriage indeed was a rollercoaster ride like literally. Full of ups and downs, life lessons learnt. Picking fights, slamming doors, even after several years together, nothing will ever prepare you for marriage.. indeed empathy, compromise and patience is the ultimate key. But I really thank him, for totally understanding my family needs. He doesn’t even think twice when it comes to me returning home because I miss my family very much. More so often now than before.

We traveled the world after we first got married, ticking off the cities in our bucket list and Disneyland list (sound such a dork! But we are hardcore Disney fans!). Seeing the world with your significant other has truly a different meaning, I guess we unlocked our own lil marriage goal.

Glad we traveled because… with the arrival of our lil cheeky prince 4 years later; our worlds just collided into explosions of love, panic, exhaustion (sometimes!) and best of all surprises at every milestone.

I guess a decade of living overseas made me realise that, not all grass is greener on the other side. That things that you once take for granted will come at you and bite you! That you will miss things, you never ever thought of missing before (like the convenience of public transport and the safe environment in Singapore.)

It takes hard work, very hard work. Just because you’re working and living overseas, doesn’t make you any richer than anyone back home. This. Everyone should know. Because everyone have their own baggage and struggles. These defines them.

xoxo

Prostration

The past Ramadan, I find myself in prostration longer than usual at times. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming, I just prostrate hoping that Allah knows what’s in my heart and mind. Indeed he does.

I prayed for the world, for the less fortunate, for my friends, for my family, for myself, but I can’t help thanking Allah for all that he has provided and bestow upon me, the good, the bad and the trials. Blessings in disguise indeed, for the strength in my character and the willpower it builds.

Indeed, everyone have their piece of baggage small or large, it didn’t matter. But He knows. Everything. He’s the only one that could take it all away.

Alhamdulillah during this time too, I’ve been pushing myself to pray at work. And I hope this is a start of a habit that has been my struggle. I’m not at all pious but I’m trying really hard at least to not miss my Salah. I remember Aida mentioned in one of her first love letters… keep praying, even days when you neglect, take wudhu and pray again. Keep trying. Keep praying. And InsyaAllah it will be the best habit you have acquired. That’s my ultimate goal this year.

Last weekend, I had managed to get tickets to watch “One day in the Haram” and MasyaAllah for someone who hasn’t been there at all, I’ve been in awe. My hearts full, my eyes were just filled with tears of gratitude and happiness and voices in my heart whispering “Ya Allah, please invite me to your home.. One day” at every scene of the movie! If you’re able to watch the movie, please do! It’s remarkable!

Thank you One Path Network for always striving and bringing so much through this platform to educate and raise awareness regarding Islam. May Allah bless you all. Amin!

One of the things that I am very very grateful so far this year was being able to spend Eid with my parents; my family. Even if it’s only for a week, I thank god everyday, for letting me spend another day closer to them. I thank God for letting my parents live longer, healthier and sound.

There’s never a time where you return to reality without having to go through Post Holiday Syndrome. It hits hard, I still beat myself up for all the guilt. I should be back in Singapore instead; caring for my Mother. I’m just glad we are just 7.5 hours away. And this thing called life, which involves many bad decisions, risks and sacrifices, i really hope one day it will all be worth it!

While I was in Singapore, a friend of mine was asking about my mum and her condition, turns out his mum too was suffering. A few days later, I received the news that his Mum passed away and yesterday his grandma did. My heart just sank. Two deaths in one month. Two closest souls in his life. I can’t imagine the devastation! Wan, if you are reading this, my deepest condolences and prayers to you and your family, May He give you the strength to overcome this dark episode. May Allah bless their souls, erase their sins and place them among the pious in Jannah. Amin.

xoxo

Mummy wins, Mummy guilty

Tonight was the night, I dread.

We have been moderately giving the IPad to Ayden for him to watch his favourite shows on ABC kids and playing educational games. Before, it was strictly when we are out and about.

Since Ramadan started, I’ve been giving Ayden the iPad while I carry out my Ishak and Terawih prayers.Tonight was different. He hasn’t slept all day, hence I was thinking of putting him to bed early, after all he must be so tired not napping the whole day!

Boy was I wrong, after changing to his Pyjamas, he started asking for iPad. I shook my head, he begun crying like there was no tomorrow, kicking and throwing tantrums. It was so hard to see but I was adamant that we both can get through this. The battle lasted for 20-30mins (it seems like an eternity for me!) finally as he was sobbing very hard; he crawled onto my lap, eyes shut and slowly drift to sleep.

I cradle him tightly for the next half an hour and gently kissed him on the forehead and whispered in his ears; “I’m sorry I had to do what I had to do. Mummy loves you very much”.

I think the part that scares me the most is when he starts to demand for it and worst when he expect it from me.

We’ll get there. Here’s to us trying 72hours without an iPad.

Ramadan already!

What! 3 weeks to Ramadan!

Omg How the time flies! This year has been such an optimistic year! I’m actually surprised at myself and what I’ve achieved in the state of my overall well being. It was my demons that I’m fighting and issues I’m admitting.

January started off with two deaths in the family. It was quite a shock and at the same time, it draws me closer to my own. Truth to be told, deaths are inevitable, no warnings or signs. When it comes, you have to Redha and accept what comes may; for Allah has better plans for all of us. Let’s spend more time with our families. Only time will tell when it happens, in the meantime make more memories and embrace all the moments.

In the past four months, I’ve gone through 3 suicide deaths of known acquaintances. It took everyone by surprise. You’ve met, have coffee dates and have deep meaningful convos. At the end of the day, everyone tried their best at both ends. Family and friends. It’s really devastating to see the aftermath and how it takes a toll on their families. You can only pray. Pray harder for them.

I think that for every decision you make, that’s what makes you, you. It’s not for anyone else. All I can say from the past few months, it taught me that my happiness comes first. It may sound selfish to some, but it is actually important to prioritise the state of your overall well-being amongst everything else. That’s your core.

I don’t blame anyone or spoke ill of anybody in this course. It was me, my issues. I have this issue of expecting the same treatment I gave to another, some said I expect too much. It was something that I thought was given when you give. Indeed, I learnt. Now I learnt not to expect anything and it’s quite an eye opener. The sooner you let go and learnt, the faster you run in happiness!

It was my biggest issue to hold on to relationships really tightly, too dependent on some which I should not. Again, that was indeed my issue and not anyone’s. I learnt it the hard way. So, I decided to take myself out of the equations,and shift my focus on my own life, my own family. Indeed, it’s been such a great learning journey discovering myself and you learn a thing or two new every time. (Just like how I realised Ayden seemed to enjoy rice and Kangkong Belachan!)

Moving forward, I’m living and going with the flow, with the people who comes in and stay, with the people who chose to leave, with the people who let you be the best of you.

Heavy.

It was Summer of 2017 when this song lingers through me. You see I am more of a lyrical person. I tend to decipher the meanings of songs through lyrics as compared to others who are more interested on the notes of the song. Like my husband for example.

A song that spoke to me at my lowest. Its funny how people telling me about how emotional or sensitive one (others) can be. And whenever that happens, I felt like a piercing through my heart each time. Like I know they don’t know, but I know some may call ME the same! But I totally get it.

There are days that I struggle to fight my own demons. There are days when I lay prostrating before Allah, and my tears, they just kept falling. There are days where questions like “Am I good enough for anyone?” filled my head.

I’ve had my share of suicide incidents that happen to friends, a friend of a friend. It’s never easy. One minute they are laughing, and the next minute, they just took their life. And its not for us to judge. Not for us to think “oh what a waste!” We can never feel how they feel at that time, how heavy their heart must be before taking that final step.

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy

‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on, So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on, Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe

Baggage

Before you go ahead and bitch about someone else ;

“oh yea, he’s always emotional! Can’t be bothered with people like that!”

“Oh yea, she’s like that. I don’t need the negativity”

“She’s always sensitive!”

“He’s such a reserved individual! Whatever…”

The least you can do is reach out and ask the person “Are you ok?” Nine out of Ten, you’ll be surprise with the replies you get. No one wants to be emotional, if they have a choice, no one wants to be the sensitive one anyways. Always look at the bigger picture.

Everyone have their own baggage. Who are we to judge what anyone is going or have gone through. Before you pass such baseless remarks to bitch about, at least be the wiser person and a caring friend to question about the bigger picture here or if you’re only considered yourself as an acquaintance, shut the fuck up!