Separation

is a far better word than Divorce in my opinion. That latter term has been used so loosely in our current generation. It’s heartbreaking.

I used to be angry at couples divorcing; more so when they have children. I feel for the young ones, growing up will be hard especially at a very young age where they are still naive and curious. Where they grew up and understanding the concept of a family and consequently questions will be raised.

As I grew older, and deeper into my marriage. I realised that it IS hard. Marriage is a test itself. You have to keep working on it. You enter the realm for marriage where times can be sweeter than honey and at times so difficult you wonder if you’re with the right person. Indeed there’s no, the one. How do you know? How do I? What if it’s written that after 5years that he’s not the one for you. Indeed, only Allah knows and he’s the best of all planners. And you do not know.

Just like everything else in life, you try your best, you tawakkal and redha with everything that life throws at you. Because He will not burden a soul more than it can bear.

I used to think why couples can’t just go back to the first time when they got together reminisce, maybe they realised why they fall in love with each other in the first place, then things will return to their good ideals and a separation is not an option. But I soon realised, Everyone changes. And Change is the only constant.

Maybe it takes two to clap, it takes both to make it work. But also maybe a separation is inevitable.

Virus

4 days ago, Ayden got home from Childcare with a 39.5 fever. Weak and with no appetite after his evening bath, he slumped on the couch. Next minute, he threw up all over it.

And here I go, INDEED. Not long before the childcare virus got on to him. A day later, Hubs got the virus but he was worst off. His body practically shuts down on him, he couldn’t even lift a finger, he was that weak. He was bedridden for a couple of days.

Exhausted is an understatement. Cleaning up after every vomit, every hour, everywhere. Pulled an arm muscle from Ayden’s clinginess and asking to be carried everywhere. Every 15mins, he kept wailing that his stomach is in pain. His poor appetite doesn’t help either.

Here I am trying to coax Ayden back to sleep for the fifteenth time in the last two hours, because his stomach was painful and his coughs were disrupting his sleep. We bought a 100ml Neurofen on Thursday and its 1/4 left now!

Still feeling helpless, like I have got no idea what to do, I’ve been rubbing oil on his tummy, giving him cuddles, hot water bottle, trying all home remedies that Google told me to. His fever has been on and off.

Just too stressful.

We just need to wait for another Doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Because the Husband is still unwell, got to bring Ayden for an early start at work. Payroll day is super busy. Then rush for his doctor appointment then rush home and hoping to cook lunch for both.

Apart from my sorrows, a lil part of me are glad that it happened now rather than on our holidays.

May Allah ease our affairs tomorrow. 3 more days ✈️

Time

I haven’t put my thoughts 💭 onto this platform for awhile; too long for my own liking.

As time passes, i realised i have a dozen of drafts awaits me, mostly thoughts i jot down and left unpursued.

These days my escape from reality is through the few games I have on my phone or just reading Iain’s series of poetry. A Quick escape before Ayden got me on my feet again.

Still struggling trying to find a balance on social platforms but always get distracted either by business ideas or finding a more efficient way to combat the marketing of business.

Hustle

I need a getaway. Pronto.

Maybe somewhere green, lushes forest or bush. FRESH AIR AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY!

Body needs to reconnect to nature and resync.

Been hustling since we got back, trying to settle into our regular routine. Waiting for pay to come in. (Broke and Monthly salary is just very inconvenient!)

Will be taking Ayden to weekly Zoo trips. Thank God, Melbourne has three Zoos. Trying to make full use of our Zoo membership before it finishes next month.

Australia Open is now on, and the heat is getting worst as well! Each time when the AO is on, our summer weather gets even hotter!

January, you’re such a drag!

2019.

i love Allah.

i love my parents. so much.

i love my family.

i love to be home.

i love Ayden.

i love my husband.

Urmmm Not really. Not when he gets on my nerves. Sometimes I’m hard to deal with. I admit to that.

i love when I prostrate, I feel like all these feels just melt to the ground.

2019, what’s in store?

All I want is to get my anxiety anxiety anxiety out of my system.

PS: Waiting for my flight home, with tears streaming down my face and a heart so heavy, I feel it’s going to drop to the floor.

Munching on cold leftovers from our Burger King Lunch. Taking deep breaths to have the final whiff of the homeland.

Squeezing Ayden’s hand real tight as I led him through the skybridge where our EK404 flight awaits us.

Will I publish this post? Will I not? Maybe.

Words in my head.

Words.

They can be manipulative. Your intentions and what others perceived can be totally different. To you, your words may have a significant meaning, tone and intention but for someone reading, it can be a sword that cuts ties or can be heartstrings that rekindle love and even mend broken hearts.

But words are also our truth. Things we couldn’t or bring to say. To avoid confrontations. To let them into your world of thoughts without compromising on your physical emotions.

This is how my head looks like on some days. Most nights. Like Shawn Mendes sings; “Keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?” And you have people who wants to be in the know, who kept saying “I’m here”, “I totally get you” but they don’t realise how hard sometimes to say it all out, to be raw; to be cut open and hand them a slice of your fears. And they get sick of waiting and they left.

There are times I kept a distance not because I dislike a person, but because I was terrified. Terrified of losing. Losing what? who? *shrugs* i wish i had the answers. I just needed space and time. I don’t, well i cannot just let anyone in, and be torn apart, raw and broken. I value my trust more than ever now.

If you’re not willing to hang around, wait and give me space to figure myself out, I definitely accepted the fact that you go as far as to block me from your life. You know what? To me that’s perfectly fine. I realised even myself now that we all do what we need for ourselves. If you’re still here hanging around, THANK YOU. Because your presence and Duas are God sent; I believe God sent you to me as my guidance and has always been my constant reminder to always go back to Him.

As for me, I needed space to find my ground. I needed space to figure out how do I do this thing. I need space to put into words what I’m thinking. I need space to find out what exactly is wrong and how do I fix ME.

Reality bites, Someone I knew who suffers from Anxiety, treat another fellow person who suffers the same like thrash, threw them aside. You will soon realised, probably they don’t need you or see you in their life. But I would expect. Yes that’s my keyword Expect. Empathy. Because they knew what you’re going through. They would empathise but unfortunately that’s not the case. Anyways, this is just a one off based on my personal experience. I guess not everyone is like that.

I came to realised that social gatherings; I mean big social gatherings are my stress point these days. My hearts beats very fast, i trembled a lot, I struggle to breathe, I just can’t stay put so I have to walk around, I get fidgety I can’t sit, I get worried over nothing, I’ll distract myself by doing something else. Sometimes, I’m ok. I’ll move around from one point to another trying to mingle or distract myself. Other times, only God knows. And after the whole saga, I feel like I’ve become restless, and have so much fatigue.

That’s why, I prefer to have smaller catch ups; most of the time anyways. It is easier to converse and I feel much relaxed. It’s more personal and no small talks; just great conversations. So much different from the previous scenario. Life is a learning curve, from adulting to motherhood. Each phase met with new challenges. InsyaAllah everything will fall into place in due time. God is the best of all Planners.

I am taking my time, to enjoy, to love and to recover.

xoxo

ana