31.01.2021

Can’t believe I haven’t gone on to this platform for the longest time. We have been busy moving the end of last year and enjoying our new home in the Summer’2020, I realized I did not have the time to pen down our thoughts and moments. We have been busy creating new routines, exploring the local neighbourhoods, prepping Ayden for his new school and just enjoying summer.

This was taken a few days after my mum’s passing. Hiding behind swollen eyes and all smiles just for Ayden’s first day.

I remembered when we came into the new year, I told myself I can’t wait to pen down Ayden’ first day of school. But even that didn’t took long to be off my mind, when I received photos of my mum in cardiac arrest from my sister back home.

I still remember how everything unfolds, it was so quick, so abrupt and yet the most devastating thing to have happened in my life.

We were meant to celebrate the February Babies birthday at Azrina’s. Ali was sick so he stayed home. It was merely 15mins in, when I received the photos, I knew I was going to burst out crying to a room full of people, so I requested if I could go to one of the empty rooms to make a call. Then, I think she knew with tears welled up in my eyes. I think she knew something’s not right.

2020 was a year of extended lockdowns, a year of the unknown, a year with just a glimpse of hope where everyone was praying borders would open up and everyone will get to reunite with their family. I remember we are praying so hard that nothing happens to any of our family members overseas. I remember telling the girls, even the slightest Hospital visits scares the hell out of me.

31st January 2021, was the day I feared the most. Gut Wrenching. (I still cried so much even know as i type this)

Sis: They can feel a pulse… We are in the ambulance to the hospital! I’ll text you when we get there.

(MasyaAllah, the relief I felt to know that my sister and my dad were home at the time, I couldn’t imagine the later.)

30 minutes later…

Bro: The doctor just said to gather the closest family members, i think you better start saying prayers for her.

(MasyaAllah, behind the scenes, I have such supportive girls trying to find flights for me, trying to figure out what i need to do to go back, tried to calm me. But the thing is I already knew what I need to do. It can’t be helped that it fell on a Saturday, even if I applied for an exemption to travel i wont get a reply until 72hours later)

10 minutes later…

Bro: I want you to Sabr as I say this to you, Mak dah meninggal.

Everything just went blur after that. But i do remember how hard I cried and couldn’t care less who was in the house. I even tried calling the Singapore embassy and they couldn’t help me more because i was an Australian PR hence, i still had to follow the Travel Exemption process.

And then it hit me while Sid and Finaz were driving me home, why am i here and not there? Why did i chose to stay when i should be home all along? It was the guilt, ALOT of it was THE GUILT. I went into this numb mode, i couldn’t feel anything, i couldn’t cry anymore and i couldn’t think. I was emotionless. Then we have people over who says things like ” Don’t bother finding flights home, You’re not going anywhere!” For someone who is grieving (and who already knows the facts…) Still, its not something you would want to say. But i smiled that night, And since that night it taught me how to suppress my emotions.

And that was the start and it did everyday after that. It doesn’t help that i still cry to bed every now and then.

I watched through the camera as you were lying in the living room with a batik cloth over you, I wept at each person who came but i was filled with gratitude, I texted the ones i knew to thank them. They were surprised that i knew. How i knew. I was truly grateful for all the cameras we have in the house so that we were able to see my parents and talk to them through the cameras whenever we want to.

I watched through the proceedings of the Jenazah bathing rituals with heavy swollen eyes the next morning. After the rituals were done, the lady asked around if anyone else wants to say their final goodbye/prayers. I cried so damn hard because i wanted to so badly. My heart was shouting “Me! Me! Me!” My friends who came and visit, called me and we all cried together. I guess we all knew how badly i wish i was there. I saw her while they lowered her through the burial spot. I watched every moment of it with the heaviest heart. It will never be erased from my memories.

I was complaining about fatigue all the time and the amount of energy i have everyday has just plummet since then. After taking all kinds of vitamins, And the local nurse said maybe me suppressing too much of my emotions from the grief, is taking its toll. i didn’t realized that till now.

I master it so greatly, that i can cry while i smiled through all the comments of having more kids. That story is for another day.

Mak, I am so sorry i didn’t get to be with you. Love and miss you every single day. Always always in my prayers. May we reunite in Jannah. Amin.

Thank you to my wonderful friends who visited my mum’s grave. May Allah bless your for your gold hearts. May our friendships last us till Jannah!

O Allah, forgive him and have mercy on him and give him strength and pardon him. Be generous to him and cause his entrance to be wide and wash him with water and snow and hail. Cleanse him of his transgressions as white cloth is cleansed of stains. Give him an abode better than his home, and a family better than his family and a wife better than his wife. Take him into Paradise and protect him from the punishment of the grave [and from the punishment of Hell-fire].

Muslim: 963

ISO 2.0 Week 13 – The one where some of the restrictions are lifted.

This week has been intense. Never-ending packing, moving, cleaning, shoving, throwing and donating. It’s also been the week we have been looking forward to for the past four months since we got the keys to our new place.

Anxiety starts creeping in full blast, it has been exciting yet I have this blanket of doubt, of sadness, of fear, just not knowing what’s going to be like. A lot of adapting, relearning, conform and just slowly easing into a routine.

Hatice came to comfort me the first week we moved in. I was so moved to tears! indeed Allah send me the best of friends I could ask for.

We are slowly reorganising stuff, sorting out more things and trying to get what’s missing for the house. Alhamdulillah it’s slowly coming together. This lil one has been super excited about his room, we let him choose his bedsheets to encourage him to sleep on his own. Alhamdulillah he’s adapting so well, great effort even when he come into bed with us about 6am every the morning.

Ayden is also warming up having play dates with friends he hadn’t seen since last year as a matter of fact! He had been so active, super excited playing with his friends

The one where Zakh came over to visit!

Fact is that I don’t have many big pots so I ended up cooking most stuff in my Pressure cooker the biggest pot I have! So our first meal in the house, I cooked braised beef ribs. It was a very hearty meal indeed. Ayden gives me a two thumbs up for that!

Alhamdulillah little did I know, he fulfilled my Duas one at a time, at a given time and place. Indeed Allah is the best of planners. It took us 4 years for a place to call our own. May Allah protect our family and our home at all times. Amin.

Ayden is going Prep!

This year has been such a challenging year for this cheeky four year old. We pulled him out of his Kinder/Childcare in March, little did he or we know that it was his last day of school. It’s been 8months since, we realised how much he yearn for playtime (physically) with other kids, playing, yelling, running aimlessly with his peers. He often talks about missing school and the things they do or sing about. It’s sad, because it does impact his self esteem and confidence

We decided to enrol him in Prep next year! After all since he’s born before April, he qualified for early school entry. I mean, in all honesty, due to this whole Covid situation, I rather him repeat a year of Prep which he won’t lose out to his similar age peers since he enrolled early than going through another year of Kinder.

Due to most Public schools that are zoned to your residential address, we missed out on one of the schools we wanted but Alhamdulillah Ayden got accepted to Fitzroy North Primary School which is practically 10mins walk from my office. Quite the bonus. We both love the schools’ vision and environment. However, Ali is not liking the NO UNIFORM policy haha

Of course we’ve always wanted the best for Ayden just like any other parents. Due to the current COVID-19, our working structure may change in the future, that’s why I am thinking to enrol him in the local newly build school which is 10mins from our place. As a plan B. I think we’ll only decide once we see the dynamics of the new school after the orientation.

What a year it has been, although I wish I yelled less, had more patience when I’m homeschooling him and definitely nag less! But I am super proud of him for being able to adapt into so much changes! MasyaAllah it has been a rewarding journey! We got here together and the past 8months, Ayden has achieved the following *claps*

  • Diaper/Nappy Pants Free
  • Bottle Free
  • Moved and Settled to a new house
  • Sleeps in his own room
  • Wear his own Clothes and Shoes
  • Go to the bathroom on his own
  • Completed his Alphabets and Numbers 1-25
  • Write his name
  • Remember the days of the week

I couldn’t been more proud of him! Regardless the length of time we took to get here, we did it! Mummy and Baba love you so much!

Lockdown 2.0 Week 7, this will be over before we know it!

Week 22 of ISO – Happy National Day, Singapura!

Here I am on to my second mask of the day, in bed (it’s only 9pm!) watching re runs of Korean Variety Show; Running Man. I intentionally avoid watching the Singapore National Day celebrations on TV.

Watching the Parade this morning made me so homesick, I bought dinner for my parents through Deliveroo and teared while Ayden telling my parents to eat and exchanging their “I love you(s)” a couple of hours ago.

Singapore, I miss the convenience of your public transport, I miss how safe our country is, I miss how easy it is to find Halal food for all different cuisines you can think of! I miss the cool night breeze. The only thing that I don’t miss is , the humidity and working culture.

Home, regardless where you go, your heart will always be longing for where you came from.

Alhamdulillah, I still have a full time job and I am in good health. Alhamdulillah, Ayden has been spending so much time surrounded with people who love him the most. Alhamdulillah, we are safe at home. Alhamdulillah for everything that He provide for us. I learnt, we have to keep counting our blessings to always be in a state of gratitude 🤲🏼

I was speaking to Dee before and I was telling her that my mind and body just shuts. I get up, work, learning adventures with Ayden and then repeat all over again everyday. And when I think of people, I think about them a lot, but I can’t seem to put my thoughts into actions. And so I apologised for not keeping in touch as much as I want to.

Something about this routine, it can be draining, even when you’re at home! I don’t know what it is! After 6pm, my body just switched off. I’m exhausted.

5 more weeks to the end of Lockdown 2.0! I can’t wait to go to KMART and TARGET!

xoxo

Week 19 of ISO – Second Lockdown

Can’t believe how time flies! Where did the time gone. We are in our second week of Lockdown yet again. The second wave that hit Melbourne was far more worst that I expected.

Ramadan Feels < Click for Deeds!

My heart sank. I was looking forward to brighter days, little steps closer to being home with my parents. And then it hits…

Work on the other hand has been quite a challenge, Alhamdulillah. When it gets hard and stressful, pushed myself to look beyond, and be grateful that I still have a pay check coming in every month. Truly tough times for everyone out there regardless mentally, physically and financially. May Allah ease everyone’s affairs.

Discovered Monica J Sutton on Youtube. Hooked on her Circle Time sessions, Ayden has been watching her circle time every morning and it helps! He hasn’t been going to Daycare since March, can tell he misses the social aspects of it. We had a Zoom Farewell with his friends. Of course, I cried! Ayden however, was just thrilled to see his friends and I don’t think he realised that the Zoom session was a farewell!

Zoom Farewell – Guardian Early Learning Centre (Doncaster East)

June and July has been very hectic. We celebrated every family milestone and little victories in low key. It’s been overwhelming. It has. I feel quite the guilt, people I love, that I’ve been wanting to text but never got the chance. People that I used to video call daily, but im just consumed with everything that I haven’t got to the past month! I miss you girls, Wirza & Dee!

My parents… ما شاء الله. I try to call in at least once a week to check on them, sending them videos and voice recordings of Ayden every now and then. Nothing crushed me as hard until my Mum had to go into Emergency due to her heart a few weeks ago. She mentioned that she’s having breathing issues, her legs are swollen and she’s been having sleepless nights. I urged her to get it checked at the hospital.

Then, it happened. I cried imagining being in her shoes. She can’t see, wheeled into the emergency room, her heart rate went up to 600. Another heart attack. Must be the pressure of not knowing what’s happening.

It wasn’t easy. No. Not at all.

I considered all options, I checked with local authorities and friends who returned to Singapore during this lockdown period. I just want to be sure of my options if anything crops up. نعوذ بالله من ذلك

She constantly amazes me with her strength, she got discharged a few days later. She’s on a stronger medication and blood thinner to assist her blood flow. She’s being closely monitored at home and for a fact I know that she’s at ease, at the comfort of her safe haven.

I really really miss my parents a lot. More than these lips could say, even more than this heart could yearn.

These days I look at Ayden and think to myself, He can run after wealth, career and everything that this dunya can offer but if he grew up without Akhlak, not having Allah and his Family as his priorities, I failed raising him right. May Allah guide me to be the best version of myself that I could ever be to Ayden, and May he grow up always having Allah and His family in his heart. Amin 🤲🏼

Ayden and I made this together as a gift for his Kinder Class. Till next post, Hakuna Matata something I tell myself every now and then

xoxo