If you know me very well, i hate needles. I do wonder how i get through pregnancy and labor back then with daily pricks. I knew i wanted to get vaccinated, but just the thought of needles made me cringe. Alhamdullilah, Work presented me an opportunity to get vaccinated and i did, to be honest, I’m so glad i did it with my best colleague. Well he did see me through most of the flu jabs for the past 7 years! My anxiety hits the roof! Glad he’s there doing it with me, such a good support buddy! And that lady doctor was so good, i didn’t even notice the needle was in me, all i knew that it was over when she said its done! Glad it was over and now lets await for our second dose.

It was Abah’s birthday yesterday, was salivating at the food spread my siblings ordered. How i miss Otak-Otak, Rojak Mamak, everything! Managed to facetime a little and I’m sure seeing Ayden’s face made his day. I know how much he couldn’t wait for borders to open so he could fly over. And i am too praying hard that we will eventually! InsyaAllah we will all reunite soon.

I find myself cooking my favorite Singapore local food whenever i miss home, particularly Fried Fish Bee Hoon soup with Extra milk! Can never get enough to be honest. I’ll document this recipe here. So i can stop scouring the internet for recipes that feeds my liking.

That feeling when the sun is shining on your face during the winter season.

That feeling when you can breathe in the fresh air without any difficulty.

That feeling when you hear a laughter of a 5 year old boy asking you to keep up.

Then you have your hand over your heart, asking for Him to mend it.

Something about morning train rides that they are one of the calming things that i look forward to. During these rides, i will always find time to reflect and remember Him earnestly. Peacefully.

Have you ever wanted something so badly, you’ve waited for years and more. One circumstance after another, you preserved and waited. Patient is now an understatement. Then when it’s just within your grasp. You lost it. The fact that it’s just within your grasp. so so close. And your heart, it breaks, it hurts so much that you just withdraw, withdraw to a place you’ve been before.

A dark place, where you just blocked everything out, and try to recover on your own. Recovery only you can take steps to. Even when you take a step forward and 10 steps backward the next day. And its hard to tell someone else. Because it will be another person telling you to snap out of it and have more gratitude towards life.

And i don’t wish to have that conversation. not today, not ever. And then this came up on my feed. What an apt timing.

Let me crawl out of this, at my own timing and in my way. whatever that way maybe. InsyaAllah

Can’t believe I haven’t gone on to this platform for the longest time. We have been busy moving the end of last year and enjoying our new home in the Summer’2020, I realized I did not have the time to pen down our thoughts and moments. We have been busy creating new routines, exploring the local neighbourhoods, prepping Ayden for his new school and just enjoying summer.

I remembered when we came into the new year, I told myself I can’t wait to pen down Ayden’ first day of school. But even that didn’t took long to be off my mind, when I received photos of my mum in cardiac arrest from my sister back home.

I still remember how everything unfolds, it was so quick, so abrupt and yet the most devastating thing to have happened in my life.

We were meant to celebrate the February Babies birthday at Azrina’s. Ali was sick so he stayed home. It was merely 15mins in, when I received the photos, I knew I was going to burst out crying to a room full of people, so I requested if I could go to one of the empty rooms to make a call. Then, I think she knew with tears welled up in my eyes. I think she knew something’s not right.

2020 was a year of extended lockdowns, a year of the unknown, a year with just a glimpse of hope where everyone was praying borders would open up and everyone will get to reunite with their family. I remember we are praying so hard that nothing happens to any of our family members overseas. I remember telling the girls, even the slightest Hospital visits scares the hell out of me.

31st January 2021, was the day I feared the most. Gut Wrenching. (I still cried so much even know as i type this)

Sis: They can feel a pulse… We are in the ambulance to the hospital! I’ll text you when we get there.

(MasyaAllah, the relief I felt to know that my sister and my dad were home at the time, I couldn’t imagine the later.)

30 minutes later…

Bro: The doctor just said to gather the closest family members, i think you better start saying prayers for her.

(MasyaAllah, behind the scenes, I have such supportive girls trying to find flights for me, trying to figure out what i need to do to go back, tried to calm me. But the thing is I already knew what I need to do. It can’t be helped that it fell on a Saturday, even if I applied for an exemption to travel i wont get a reply until 72hours later)

10 minutes later…

Bro: I want you to Sabr as I say this to you, Mak dah meninggal.

Everything just went blur after that. But i do remember how hard I cried and couldn’t care less who was in the house. I even tried calling the Singapore embassy and they couldn’t help me more because i was an Australian PR hence, i still had to follow the Travel Exemption process.

And then it hit me while Sid and Finaz were driving me home, why am i here and not there? Why did i chose to stay when i should be home all along? It was the guilt, ALOT of it was THE GUILT. I went into this numb mode, i couldn’t feel anything, i couldn’t cry anymore and i couldn’t think. I was emotionless. Then we have people over who says things like ” Don’t bother finding flights home, You’re not going anywhere!” For someone who is grieving (and who already knows the facts…) Still, its not something you would want to say. But i smiled that night, And since that night it taught me how to suppress my emotions.

And that was the start and it did everyday after that. It doesn’t help that i still cry to bed every now and then.

I watched through the camera as you were lying in the living room with a batik cloth over you, I wept at each person who came but i was filled with gratitude, I texted the ones i knew to thank them. They were surprised that i knew. How i knew. I was truly grateful for all the cameras we have in the house so that we were able to see my parents and talk to them through the cameras whenever we want to.

I watched through the proceedings of the Jenazah bathing rituals with heavy swollen eyes the next morning. After the rituals were done, the lady asked around if anyone else wants to say their final goodbye/prayers. I cried so damn hard because i wanted to so badly. My heart was shouting “Me! Me! Me!” My friends who came and visit, called me and we all cried together. I guess we all knew how badly i wish i was there. I saw her while they lowered her through the burial spot. I watched every moment of it with the heaviest heart. It will never be erased from my memories.

I was complaining about fatigue all the time and the amount of energy i have everyday has just plummet since then. After taking all kinds of vitamins, And the local nurse said maybe me suppressing too much of my emotions from the grief, is taking its toll. i didn’t realized that till now.

I master it so greatly, that i can cry while i smiled through all the comments of having more kids. That story is for another day.

Mak, I am so sorry i didn’t get to be with you. Love and miss you every single day. Always always in my prayers. May we reunite in Jannah. Amin.

O Allah, forgive him and have mercy on him and give him strength and pardon him. Be generous to him and cause his entrance to be wide and wash him with water and snow and hail. Cleanse him of his transgressions as white cloth is cleansed of stains. Give him an abode better than his home, and a family better than his family and a wife better than his wife. Take him into Paradise and protect him from the punishment of the grave [and from the punishment of Hell-fire].

Muslim: 963

This week has been intense. Never-ending packing, moving, cleaning, shoving, throwing and donating. It’s also been the week we have been looking forward to for the past four months since we got the keys to our new place.

Anxiety starts creeping in full blast, it has been exciting yet I have this blanket of doubt, of sadness, of fear, just not knowing what’s going to be like. A lot of adapting, relearning, conform and just slowly easing into a routine.

We are slowly reorganising stuff, sorting out more things and trying to get what’s missing for the house. Alhamdulillah it’s slowly coming together. This lil one has been super excited about his room, we let him choose his bedsheets to encourage him to sleep on his own. Alhamdulillah he’s adapting so well, great effort even when he come into bed with us about 6am every the morning.

Ayden is also warming up having play dates with friends he hadn’t seen since last year as a matter of fact! He had been so active, super excited playing with his friends

Fact is that I don’t have many big pots so I ended up cooking most stuff in my Pressure cooker the biggest pot I have! So our first meal in the house, I cooked braised beef ribs. It was a very hearty meal indeed. Ayden gives me a two thumbs up for that!

Alhamdulillah little did I know, he fulfilled my Duas one at a time, at a given time and place. Indeed Allah is the best of planners. It took us 4 years for a place to call our own. May Allah protect our family and our home at all times. Amin.