Can’t believe I haven’t gone on to this platform for the longest time. We have been busy moving the end of last year and enjoying our new home in the Summer’2020, I realized I did not have the time to pen down our thoughts and moments. We have been busy creating new routines, exploring the local neighbourhoods, prepping Ayden for his new school and just enjoying summer.

I remembered when we came into the new year, I told myself I can’t wait to pen down Ayden’ first day of school. But even that didn’t took long to be off my mind, when I received photos of my mum in cardiac arrest from my sister back home.

I still remember how everything unfolds, it was so quick, so abrupt and yet the most devastating thing to have happened in my life.

We were meant to celebrate the February Babies birthday at Azrina’s. Ali was sick so he stayed home. It was merely 15mins in, when I received the photos, I knew I was going to burst out crying to a room full of people, so I requested if I could go to one of the empty rooms to make a call. Then, I think she knew with tears welled up in my eyes. I think she knew something’s not right.

2020 was a year of extended lockdowns, a year of the unknown, a year with just a glimpse of hope where everyone was praying borders would open up and everyone will get to reunite with their family. I remember we are praying so hard that nothing happens to any of our family members overseas. I remember telling the girls, even the slightest Hospital visits scares the hell out of me.

31st January 2021, was the day I feared the most. Gut Wrenching. (I still cried so much even know as i type this)

Sis: They can feel a pulse… We are in the ambulance to the hospital! I’ll text you when we get there.

(MasyaAllah, the relief I felt to know that my sister and my dad were home at the time, I couldn’t imagine the later.)

30 minutes later…

Bro: The doctor just said to gather the closest family members, i think you better start saying prayers for her.

(MasyaAllah, behind the scenes, I have such supportive girls trying to find flights for me, trying to figure out what i need to do to go back, tried to calm me. But the thing is I already knew what I need to do. It can’t be helped that it fell on a Saturday, even if I applied for an exemption to travel i wont get a reply until 72hours later)

10 minutes later…

Bro: I want you to Sabr as I say this to you, Mak dah meninggal.

Everything just went blur after that. But i do remember how hard I cried and couldn’t care less who was in the house. I even tried calling the Singapore embassy and they couldn’t help me more because i was an Australian PR hence, i still had to follow the Travel Exemption process.

And then it hit me while Sid and Finaz were driving me home, why am i here and not there? Why did i chose to stay when i should be home all along? It was the guilt, ALOT of it was THE GUILT. I went into this numb mode, i couldn’t feel anything, i couldn’t cry anymore and i couldn’t think. I was emotionless. Then we have people over who says things like ” Don’t bother finding flights home, You’re not going anywhere!” For someone who is grieving (and who already knows the facts…) Still, its not something you would want to say. But i smiled that night, And since that night it taught me how to suppress my emotions.

And that was the start and it did everyday after that. It doesn’t help that i still cry to bed every now and then.

I watched through the camera as you were lying in the living room with a batik cloth over you, I wept at each person who came but i was filled with gratitude, I texted the ones i knew to thank them. They were surprised that i knew. How i knew. I was truly grateful for all the cameras we have in the house so that we were able to see my parents and talk to them through the cameras whenever we want to.

I watched through the proceedings of the Jenazah bathing rituals with heavy swollen eyes the next morning. After the rituals were done, the lady asked around if anyone else wants to say their final goodbye/prayers. I cried so damn hard because i wanted to so badly. My heart was shouting “Me! Me! Me!” My friends who came and visit, called me and we all cried together. I guess we all knew how badly i wish i was there. I saw her while they lowered her through the burial spot. I watched every moment of it with the heaviest heart. It will never be erased from my memories.

I was complaining about fatigue all the time and the amount of energy i have everyday has just plummet since then. After taking all kinds of vitamins, And the local nurse said maybe me suppressing too much of my emotions from the grief, is taking its toll. i didn’t realized that till now.

I master it so greatly, that i can cry while i smiled through all the comments of having more kids. That story is for another day.

Mak, I am so sorry i didn’t get to be with you. Love and miss you every single day. Always always in my prayers. May we reunite in Jannah. Amin.

O Allah, forgive him and have mercy on him and give him strength and pardon him. Be generous to him and cause his entrance to be wide and wash him with water and snow and hail. Cleanse him of his transgressions as white cloth is cleansed of stains. Give him an abode better than his home, and a family better than his family and a wife better than his wife. Take him into Paradise and protect him from the punishment of the grave [and from the punishment of Hell-fire].

Muslim: 963