Tomorrow, she would have been 74. The most strong willed woman Ill ever love. Oh, the things I regret. Things I would do sooner if I knew.

The places I wish I could take you to visit, that pilgrimage I knew you’re longing to go again, the house I wish you could see that I build and live with me, the hugs that I missed and the sound of your voice for the daily life reminders that keeps me grounded.

I wish I could rewind time. I wish I did more for you. I wish I spend more time with you. There’s so many things I wish and the list of things I want to do with you. But He loves you more.

It’s been such a struggle this year, sometimes when I’m listening to songs or watch a sad episode, I’ll start crying thinking of you, multiple times I find myself wiping my tears on the morning train rides to work. I miss you. A lot. I will hear the recordings of our convos and watch the videos of you. Only to find myself more vulnerable than I thought then to ease my heart.

Oh Mak, They said Grief takes time. For me, I think I’ll be living with this guilt for a long time.

Al Fateha Atmah Binte Abdullah

xoxo