Category Archives: Journal

Blog. Diary. Rants.

Separation Anxiety.

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Two weeks post-partum.

I’ve only heard of it through Mothers when they are apart with their child. For me, at present. It’s my husband. Weird right? Been asking around my fellow Mummies who understands how i feel and some felt the same way. Although i am so thankful, he still has two more weeks of working from home, but when he’s out and about meeting clients or meeting friends. I get this nervous,unease and rapid heart rate kind of feeling.  Anxiety indeed. But i am forcing myself to get used to this especially when he is heading back to work soon. Need to shake it off.

Agreed with a friend of mine, who mentioned that Hubs is my safety net at these vulnerable stages and it was definitely ok to feel that i need him.

Then again, i am not too sure if it was because of Post-Partum Blues with all these complicated hormones overcoming me. Or just this confinement period, making me all haywire and in desire need to head out and be busy like how i’m always used to.

I’m sorry dear Husband.

We have been receiving quite a lot of visitors lately, Ayden felt so much love! We are so thankful and grateful for all the gifts and gestures. Indeed, i get exhausted easily especially when this little one has not settled during the nights. Well, it may stay for another month or two i presume. Indeed, it is challenging and overwhelming from late night exhaustion and breastfeeding, but know that every hardship there will be ease. I can’t wait for then. In the meantime, the support i’ve received from my Mother groups in Melbourne and Singapore, the Husband, family and friends has been amazing and had helped me in so many ways to stay grounded!

I remember going to my Gynae during the late stages of my pregnancy and she asked what i was worried about the most. Of course i mentioned the labour pain. Her reply was that will be the least of things to worry about, and what i really need to worry about is recovery and my support system after birth. That’s the most important. And now i am starting to agree.

There are some nights i go out of my mind thinking what i do wrong. But watching you both sleeping beside me in the mornings regain my sanity and pushed myself to be a better mummy everyday.

 

38.

Posted in Journal, Pregnancy by

We have been eating out so regularly since i started my Maternity Leave. I love cooking but these days it just takes heaps of effort. And additionally my strong nesting instincts kicked in more than my desire for kitchen escapades.

Teethering between my Singapore Mummys whatsapp group and Melbourne Mummy Facebook group, women from all sorts of ages,background, moms and first time moms filled this group with their births, their rants, their worries and experiences. It’s really good but at the same time i do have my worries. Well what do you expect right from an excited first time mom who have no clue about labour and recovery and at the same time anxiety attacks floods through her mind every now and then! ☝🏼 yes i do balls my eyes out at nights, even hubs don’t ask anymore as he knows im more afraid for what comes may!

But there’s times (like now!) i have thoughts where i am like how will we ever prepare ourself? How do we know we have prepared ourself enough? And then there’s Redha and Tawakkal. Where we accept what Allah has and will provide for us and our trust in him that whatever he bestow upon us is the best for us and what he made us missed is for our own good.

We are 38+2 today! They say its just a waiting game for now! But for us, it still is a waiting game but we will be heading to the hospital tomorrow night to be induced. Its really nerve wrecking. Here i am praying hard that the gel or whatnots works on me and my body will react successfully. InsyaAllah 😇 And we can see our lil bundle of joy in the next couple of days 👶🏽

The husband reminded me to do all my errands (he knows i will always have something to do! No matter what! I just like keeping myself busy!) today, so ill be able to relax and be calm before heading to the hospital tomorrow. So i guess last laundry for me to do today, dusting here and there, maybe have an ice cream treat at The Pines. Originally wanted to have a pedicure, but the husband decided to help me cut my toenails instead 🙊 thats the first ever time! I feel so loved 😍

This might be my last post before the baby comes. Please keep us in your prayers.

May Allah have mercy on us and may He make my delivery and recovery as safe as possible, smooth and painless. Amin.

rants

Posted in Journal, Pregnancy by

Ive been having the exact same thoughts like how I’m going to handle the labour pain, how do i know my pain threshold, how can i do this, what are the effects. Even after going through classes i still am scared but not as much as before. Ive been @themidwifemumma on instagram. Shes been really helpful with her posts. Should focus on feeding your brains on positive words, try to find out the labour stages so you know exactly what you will be going through as they will be in stages and if you want to watch, watch only the positive labour videos. Read up on the pain relief options and no matter what happens at the back of your mind, do know that they are there to help you. And i learnt this, ppl gonna judge you and tell you what to have or not to have. But they are not your body or your pain, do what you feel is right. Dun care whether you wanna c sect or epi, it doesn’t make you less of a mother/woman. Trust your instincts. She also said to try breathing techniques it helps and works better to control your mind. I am still learning and still scared. But i am sure we will always be able to support each other! Fighting 😉

Maybe.

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Every now and then, the news of cheating partners lay by on my newsfeed. I sit there pondering to myself if my spouse is doing the same. And that’s just me.

Irregardless whether its the man or the woman, cheating i despise. No matter how good your reasons you kept shooting to prove your innocence. Cheating period. is not on! 

Being in the same boat myself prior to getting married to my husband. It wasn’t my husband. It was an emotional rollercoaster. You trusted that person with all you got, you knew the relationship was for the long run, you both had visions of getting married and have a family. But that one day came, you got the phonecall you wish you didn’t take but looking back you are so thankful you did.

“Sorry babe to call you in the middle of the night like this; i really need to tell you because you’re my friend and that i hope you know that i care for you. Your boyfriend is cheating on you and has been ** with another girl! Are you there? Hello… Babe… Talk to me, please! Hello..” 

And i just hung up the phone just like that but i did text her to thank her for telling me. Why i chose to believe her, because i know she will never lie to me. She won’t call me so late at night if she knew it wasn’t important. Me, i just collapsed on the cold floor with my phone in my hand and curled up crying so hard in the most silent way so that i wont wake the rest of the family up.

Each time when i read about cheating partners, i recalled that specific time. I layed on that floor that night crying. Trying to reach that Man whom i trusted, respected and loved that was left unanswered. And more unconventional thoughts of him and that girl just sprung on my mind again and again that night.

Multiple anxiety attacks and asthma hit me! I am emotionally weak. My ultimate weakness. By the time, it was morning my tears dried up, my eyes swollen and my heart was hurting so bad. I texted Him to meet me at our usual place. He knew now that i know, i texted him countless times about it. On top of the unsuccessful  numerous calls i made.

We met and talked about it. We cried. He was remorseful but I wasn’t ready to take him back. I left. Not for long. Rather unfortunate. He chose me over that girl. Ecstatic not the least. 

That girl, she has the cheek to call me to try to be friends with and apologize for that fling! She try to add me on various social media.. She tried to chat me up on MSN. She emails me a couple of times which i never entertained. As heavy my heart is, sinking like an anchor to the ocean floor. I forgave her and told her to move on and do not attempt to contact me anymore. 

  

For him, the next year and the half was very challenging. Was full of trust issues. I was insecure. My heart was constantly challenged. I soon regretted. I was emotionally  wreck. I couldnt see myself getting married with him and still having all this trust issues. I couldnt see myself having a family with someone like him anymore. I kept telling myself, maybe tomorrow i will be able to come to terms with it. But that tomorrow didn’t come. not ever.
And so I ran. I moved. I flew to another continent to start a fresh.

This time i told myself, if my man were to cheat on me, I won’t hesitate to leave. Yes with or without kids. I am not capable to go through that heartbreak again or feeling insecure for the rest of my life!

It was definitely a big chapter of my life that was just so hard to erase. It reminds me my scars and who i am today. I learned not to give 100% in love or trust to anyone except for Allah. Because noone is perfect except for him.

Questions.

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A friend asked us this question last weekend;

What would you advise your younger self?

I was very impressed with Ali’s answer, he said forget wasting your money and clubbing wasting your life away. Travel the world as much as you can. Buy a house. (indeed such an awesome advice!)

Mine was just to travel more and do what you want to do. So you won’t have any regrets in the future.

What you reckon yours will be?