Separation Anxiety.

Two weeks post-partum.

I’ve only heard of it through Mothers when they are apart with their child. For me, at present. It’s my husband. Weird right? Been asking around my fellow Mummies who understands how i feel and some felt the same way. Although i am so thankful, he still has two more weeks of working from home, but when he’s out and about meeting clients or meeting friends. I get this nervous,unease and rapid heart rate kind of feeling.  Anxiety indeed. But i am forcing myself to get used to this especially when he is heading back to work soon. Need to shake it off.

Agreed with a friend of mine, who mentioned that Hubs is my safety net at these vulnerable stages and it was definitely ok to feel that i need him.

Then again, i am not too sure if it was because of Post-Partum Blues with all these complicated hormones overcoming me. Or just this confinement period, making me all haywire and in desire need to head out and be busy like how i’m always used to.

I’m sorry dear Husband.

We have been receiving quite a lot of visitors lately, Ayden felt so much love! We are so thankful and grateful for all the gifts and gestures. Indeed, i get exhausted easily especially when this little one has not settled during the nights. Well, it may stay for another month or two i presume. Indeed, it is challenging and overwhelming from late night exhaustion and breastfeeding, but know that every hardship there will be ease. I can’t wait for then. In the meantime, the support i’ve received from my Mother groups in Melbourne and Singapore, the Husband, family and friends has been amazing and had helped me in so many ways to stay grounded!

I remember going to my Gynae during the late stages of my pregnancy and she asked what i was worried about the most. Of course i mentioned the labour pain. Her reply was that will be the least of things to worry about, and what i really need to worry about is recovery and my support system after birth. That’s the most important. And now i am starting to agree.

There are some nights i go out of my mind thinking what i do wrong. But watching you both sleeping beside me in the mornings regain my sanity and pushed myself to be a better mummy everyday.

 

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Labour, Birth and the closing of another Chapter (for now!)

Everytime i typed an entry, the husband always caught me and ask how come he never get to read them. Oh wells.

Anyways, this entry. This is for you. Yes you Muhammad Ali. I always get attached and emotional when i think about our labour and delivery experience.

Throughout the pregnancy, you’ve held my hand so tight, you were always careful with your assuarance. You knew how scared, anxious and nervous i was for the labour. Yet you stood positive and excited, you pushed me not to underestimate myself.

After every appointment, every scan and every monitoring, you’re always making sure that my thoughts are focused and that i am not worrying myself excessively.

When i got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes,you were hard on me. On my diet and it progressed to be our diet. You eat what i had to eat. You made it like our health goals. You’re always saying No to my cravings because of it. As much as i hate you for it, I’m thankful.

As the day got nearer, you were saying No to so much things. You stay firm that i had to bed rest till the day I’ll get induced. The nearer the date was, the more nervous I’ve become and the more excited you were. Yes, thats how opposites we are! I cried, cried the most that week! Been praying to God so hard over the months, to bless us with a healthy baby and make my delivery easy, safe and painless. I knew painless was hard but everyday I prayed for it over and over again.

When the day finally came, we slept in to get as much rest before the sleepless night seeps in. Ate Nasi Lemak. Got home did last minute preparations and off we go. We might meet our baby that night or even the next day! You were feeling excited but finally blurted out that you’re nervous but not near as nervous as i was definitely.

As we parked the car in the Hospital compound , the last thing we said was “let’s do this!” Got to the Birthing Suite and was relieved Sophie (Our Gynae) was there. She prepped me and got down to inserting the Gel to help me dilate enough to burst my waterbag in the morning and start with the contractions and on the way for a natural delivery. This is a picture perfect summary but it doesnt work all the time.

So after the gel was inserted, it takes about 2 hours and the cramps kick in. It was on and on for the whole night. We didnt catch a wink! They gave me sleeping pills and panadeine to overcome the pain and catch some sleep. But failed.

So 7am came around. The time i was looking forward the most! Sophie checked my dilation, and after all those painful hours, i was only 1-2cm dilated! But she managed to break my waterbag and put me on the Oxytocin drip to encourage stronger contractions so i’ll get more dilation and will be able to deliver sooner. The Anaethesist, Dr. Mezzatesta came and got the epidural going! I must say he was very professional, positive and calm. He made me so at peace, putting my worries at bay and very efficient! In 5 mins everything was over, Oxytocin was in, Epidural was in and Catherer is in. Now is just a waiting game.

Sophie came around at 3ish and checked. Was thrilled that i am 6cm dilated! She was positive and encouraging. She foresee that by 7pm ill be dilated enough for delivery and by 9pm, our lil Prince will be in my Arms. But all we can do is plan and pursue. At the end of the day, God has better plans for us. At 5:30pm, Elva (OMG the best midwife ever!) came and check on me and realised that i am not dilating any further and there was blood in my urine. Something was wrong.

Next thing we knew, Sophie came in and checked. She had to deliver the news that i dread. Something is obstructing the labour and we had to do an emergency c section. My heart literally dropped. I stared at you with the heaviest heart. Sophie had to get a team ready for the operation and with all the Operation theatres booked out, we had to wait for awhile. Half an hour later, Dr. Mezzatesta arrived to prep me for the Operation.

I was scared shitless i was not going to lie. I panicked, stressed and was nervous. I knew you do what you had to do. You remain calm and keep feeding me positive energy. As they wheeled me in to the Theatre, it was the scariest moment in my life. Dr Mezzatesta kept me calm, i think every possible nerves were written all over my face. He was there just an arms length away from me the whole time to make sure i am ok. Everyone kept telling me how everything is going to be okay.

As i lay on that cold table, i broke out to strong cold shivers and nausea. You kept telling me it will be ok and it was going to be over soon and we can finally see our baby. I kept wanting to puke! And i requested not to see anything as they pull and thug and finally people told you to stand and have your phone ready as the baby arrives. Everything happen so quick!  We found out then that Ayden’s head was too big to fit into my pelvis, hence, the obstructed labour.

They wanted to pull down the drape to let me see the action, but i didnt want to. I was still shivering cold and puking and i didnt want to see our lil prince in that state. I cried when you brought him over to see me. You must be overwhelmed, i can see it in your beamig eyes. But i still couldnt bring myself to hold him due to my shivers and nausea! I kept asking the people around me how long more for the stitching to be complete. I was getting very sick. Very cold.

Finally at the recovery room, you managed to let me hold the baby. It was beautiful. I managed to whisper “Assalammualaikum” in his ears before you had to bring him to the special nursery to get his sugar levels checked. And when you return, i was just overjoyed. I thank God profusely for protecting me, for guiding me through this experience and for blessing me with a lil family i could call my own. Now as i slowly recover and ease into my new role as a Mother. InsyaAllah it will all be smooth sailing.

As we put an end to this chapter, InsyaAllah we will reopen this chapter in the future.

Muhammad Ali, i just want to thank you for being there with me every step of the way, for staying by my side at my most vulnerable time, for dressing me when i wasnt able to, for helping me through my recovery without any complains,for waking up at every night feeds when i told you not to, for being the best dad to Ayden! I pray to God everyday to protect you from harm, to give you the best he could offer in this life and hereafter and bless you with everlasting happiness! I think the words, I love you Muhammad Ali is an understatement. Cause its so much more than that.

PS: The staff at Mitcham Private, Dr Sophie Leong, Dr Joseph Mezzatesta and Dr Shane O’Dea has been super amazing! Making this journey a beautiful and memorable one! Definitely won’t hesitate to go back to them in the future!


Missing our suite already and the midwives who looked after us 24/7 for the past week! ☺️

38.

We have been eating out so regularly since i started my Maternity Leave. I love cooking but these days it just takes heaps of effort. And additionally my strong nesting instincts kicked in more than my desire for kitchen escapades.

Teethering between my Singapore Mummys whatsapp group and Melbourne Mummy Facebook group, women from all sorts of ages,background, moms and first time moms filled this group with their births, their rants, their worries and experiences. It’s really good but at the same time i do have my worries. Well what do you expect right from an excited first time mom who have no clue about labour and recovery and at the same time anxiety attacks floods through her mind every now and then! ☝🏼 yes i do balls my eyes out at nights, even hubs don’t ask anymore as he knows im more afraid for what comes may!

But there’s times (like now!) i have thoughts where i am like how will we ever prepare ourself? How do we know we have prepared ourself enough? And then there’s Redha and Tawakkal. Where we accept what Allah has and will provide for us and our trust in him that whatever he bestow upon us is the best for us and what he made us missed is for our own good.

We are 38+2 today! They say its just a waiting game for now! But for us, it still is a waiting game but we will be heading to the hospital tomorrow night to be induced. Its really nerve wrecking. Here i am praying hard that the gel or whatnots works on me and my body will react successfully. InsyaAllah 😇 And we can see our lil bundle of joy in the next couple of days 👶🏽

The husband reminded me to do all my errands (he knows i will always have something to do! No matter what! I just like keeping myself busy!) today, so ill be able to relax and be calm before heading to the hospital tomorrow. So i guess last laundry for me to do today, dusting here and there, maybe have an ice cream treat at The Pines. Originally wanted to have a pedicure, but the husband decided to help me cut my toenails instead 🙊 thats the first ever time! I feel so loved 😍

This might be my last post before the baby comes. Please keep us in your prayers.

May Allah have mercy on us and may He make my delivery and recovery as safe as possible, smooth and painless. Amin.

37.

Oh my how time flies! 1 week until the D-Day! Or Eviction day! My heart is racing, anxiety attacks of the unknown and just super nervous!

Yup! Thats my tummy after eating Nasi Ambeng! Yumm it was good since i have been craving for it since my return from Singapore last July!

It looks more like a duck egg!

Been reading Surah Maryam almost daily now to calm me down and also Surah Al-Inshiqaq after every prayer. Oh i am praying so hard and May Allah guide me through this with utmost strength, high pain threshold and calmness also hoping that it will be safe, easy and painless labour (if only)! Insya Allah!


In December, we did a maternity shoot down Mornington! It has been quite an unpredictable weather but Alhamdulillah the Weather took a good turn and it was really sunny after a brief rainfall! Ali and me got each our own pair of Winnie The Pooh Vans sneakers! We’re complete now!

 
  
Among the photos we got from the shoot! Credits to Idzani for taking such great shots! Will upload more photos soon!

We’ve got people asking us what we need for the baby! But in all honesty what we really need is your sincere duas for us to have a safe, painless and quick delivery! We both cant wait to hold him in our arms! ☺️