Tag Archives: blog

Mummy wins, Mummy guilty

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Tonight was the night, I dread.

We have been moderately giving the IPad to Ayden for him to watch his favourite shows on ABC kids and playing educational games. Before, it was strictly when we are out and about.

Since Ramadan started, I’ve been giving Ayden the iPad while I carry out my Ishak and Terawih prayers.Tonight was different. He hasn’t slept all day, hence I was thinking of putting him to bed early, after all he must be so tired not napping the whole day!

Boy was I wrong, after changing to his Pyjamas, he started asking for iPad. I shook my head, he begun crying like there was no tomorrow, kicking and throwing tantrums. It was so hard to see but I was adamant that we both can get through this. The battle lasted for 20-30mins (it seems like an eternity for me!) finally as he was sobbing very hard; he crawled onto my lap, eyes shut and slowly drift to sleep.

I cradle him tightly for the next half an hour and gently kissed him on the forehead and whispered in his ears; “I’m sorry I had to do what I had to do. Mummy loves you very much”.

I think the part that scares me the most is when he starts to demand for it and worst when he expect it from me.

We’ll get there. Here’s to us trying 72hours without an iPad.

Ramadan already!

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What! 3 weeks to Ramadan!

Omg How the time flies! This year has been such an optimistic year! I’m actually surprised at myself and what I’ve achieved in the state of my overall well being. It was my demons that I’m fighting and issues I’m admitting.

January started off with two deaths in the family. It was quite a shock and at the same time, it draws me closer to my own. Truth to be told, deaths are inevitable, no warnings or signs. When it comes, you have to Redha and accept what comes may; for Allah has better plans for all of us. Let’s spend more time with our families. Only time will tell when it happens, in the meantime make more memories and embrace all the moments.

In the past four months, I’ve gone through 3 suicide deaths of known acquaintances. It took everyone by surprise. You’ve met, have coffee dates and have deep meaningful convos. At the end of the day, everyone tried their best at both ends. Family and friends. It’s really devastating to see the aftermath and how it takes a toll on their families. You can only pray. Pray harder for them.

I think that for every decision you make, that’s what makes you, you. It’s not for anyone else. All I can say from the past few months, it taught me that my happiness comes first. It may sound selfish to some, but it is actually important to prioritise the state of your overall well-being amongst everything else. That’s your core.

I don’t blame anyone or spoke ill of anybody in this course. It was me, my issues. I have this issue of expecting the same treatment I gave to another, some said I expect too much. It was something that I thought was given when you give. Indeed, I learnt. Now I learnt not to expect anything and it’s quite an eye opener. The sooner you let go and learnt, the faster you run in happiness!

It was my biggest issue to hold on to relationships really tightly, too dependent on some which I should not. Again, that was indeed my issue and not anyone’s. I learnt it the hard way. So, I decided to take myself out of the equations,and shift my focus on my own life, my own family. Indeed, it’s been such a great learning journey discovering myself and you learn a thing or two new every time. (Just like how I realised Ayden seemed to enjoy rice and Kangkong Belachan!)

Moving forward, I’m living and going with the flow, with the people who comes in and stay, with the people who chose to leave, with the people who let you be the best of you. ❤

Heavy.

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It was Summer of 2017 when this song lingers through me. You see I am more of a lyrical person. I tend to decipher the meanings of songs through lyrics as compared to others who are more interested on the notes of the song. Like my husband for example.

A song that spoke to me at my lowest. Its funny how people telling me about how emotional or sensitive one (others) can be. And whenever that happens, I felt like a piercing through my heart each time. Like I know they don’t know, but I know some may call ME the same! But I totally get it.

There are days that I struggle to fight my own demons. There are days when I lay prostrating before Allah, and my tears, they just kept falling. There are days where questions like “Am I good enough for anyone?” filled my head.

I’ve had my share of suicide incidents that happen to friends, a friend of a friend. It’s never easy. One minute they are laughing, and the next minute, they just took their life. And its not for us to judge. Not for us to think “oh what a waste!” We can never feel how they feel at that time, how heavy their heart must be before taking that final step.

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy

‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on, So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on, Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe

Baggage

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Before you go ahead and bitch about someone else ;

“oh yea, he’s always emotional! Can’t be bothered with people like that!”

“Oh yea, she’s like that. I don’t need the negativity”

“She’s always sensitive!”

“He’s such a reserved individual! Whatever…”

The least you can do is reach out and ask the person “Are you ok?” Nine out of Ten, you’ll be surprise with the replies you get. No one wants to be emotional, if they have a choice, no one wants to be the sensitive one anyways. Always look at the bigger picture.

Everyone have their own baggage. Who are we to judge what anyone is going or have gone through. Before you pass such baseless remarks to bitch about, at least be the wiser person and a caring friend to question about the bigger picture here or if you’re only considered yourself as an acquaintance, shut the fuck up!

Family

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I was brought up in a way where family comes first. In anything and everything.

It wasn’t until I moved to Melbourne that my sibling ties were so much closer than before. I guess our decade gap makes it hard growing up. They were teenagers when I was still in my toddlerhood. It was like being too cool to hang out with your baby sister.

With my parents, whenever we have any family events, you better clear your plans for the day. My dad had only started asking if we had plans for the day after we have our own families.

To think back, I think that’s why I’m such a homebody; very much family oriented. I love doing something with the whole family. Get a lil excited for family events or trips.

If I could I would fly back now. But this girl who’s now a mum and wife, has priorities that needs to be settled. Till December then.