Words in my head.

Words.

They can be manipulative. Your intentions and what others perceived can be totally different. To you, your words may have a significant meaning, tone and intention but for someone reading, it can be a sword that cuts ties or can be heartstrings that rekindle love and even mend broken hearts.

But words are also our truth. Things we couldn’t or bring to say. To avoid confrontations. To let them into your world of thoughts without compromising on your physical emotions.

This is how my head looks like on some days. Most nights. Like Shawn Mendes sings; “Keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?” And you have people who wants to be in the know, who kept saying “I’m here”, “I totally get you” but they don’t realise how hard sometimes to say it all out, to be raw; to be cut open and hand them a slice of your fears. And they get sick of waiting and they left.

There are times I kept a distance not because I dislike a person, but because I was terrified. Terrified of losing. Losing what? who? *shrugs* i wish i had the answers. I just needed space and time. I don’t, well i cannot just let anyone in, and be torn apart, raw and broken. I value my trust more than ever now.

If you’re not willing to hang around, wait and give me space to figure myself out, I definitely accepted the fact that you go as far as to block me from your life. You know what? To me that’s perfectly fine. I realised even myself now that we all do what we need for ourselves. If you’re still here hanging around, THANK YOU. Because your presence and Duas are God sent; I believe God sent you to me as my guidance and has always been my constant reminder to always go back to Him.

As for me, I needed space to find my ground. I needed space to figure out how do I do this thing. I need space to put into words what I’m thinking. I need space to find out what exactly is wrong and how do I fix ME.

Reality bites, Someone I knew who suffers from Anxiety, treat another fellow person who suffers the same like thrash, threw them aside. You will soon realised, probably they don’t need you or see you in their life. But I would expect. Yes that’s my keyword Expect. Empathy. Because they knew what you’re going through. They would empathise but unfortunately that’s not the case. Anyways, this is just a one off based on my personal experience. I guess not everyone is like that.

I came to realised that social gatherings; I mean big social gatherings are my stress point these days. My hearts beats very fast, i trembled a lot, I struggle to breathe, I just can’t stay put so I have to walk around, I get fidgety I can’t sit, I get worried over nothing, I’ll distract myself by doing something else. Sometimes, I’m ok. I’ll move around from one point to another trying to mingle or distract myself. Other times, only God knows. And after the whole saga, I feel like I’ve become restless, and have so much fatigue.

That’s why, I prefer to have smaller catch ups; most of the time anyways. It is easier to converse and I feel much relaxed. It’s more personal and no small talks; just great conversations. So much different from the previous scenario. Life is a learning curve, from adulting to motherhood. Each phase met with new challenges. InsyaAllah everything will fall into place in due time. God is the best of all Planners.

I am taking my time, to enjoy, to love and to recover.

xoxo

ana

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